A Day in the WIND

You wanna take a go with me huh ?

2008-12-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

A little interaction with co workers is never a bad thing .. right ??
Here is how the conversation went down,

Observer: Mariah, are you going to the office Christmas party?
Me: I’m not sure, do you know what they are having to eat?
Observer: Well I’m thinking they will have red meat, some chicken and a vegetarian dish
Me: ‘Oh good .. Yeah I’m thinking about going
Office bitch: What do you care?? you are so skinny and have no ass!! (said all bitch like)
Me: Well I would rather have no ass than be ALL ass… like you
Observer: Oh shit !! (offers up a nervous laugh) then Hey.. so my husband is getting me a tattoo for Christmas !! I’m so excited
(Some tattoo discussion takes place between observer and I)
Office bitch: Oh I have always wanted a tattoo .. I want a dragonfly on the small of my back
Me: Oh you mean a tramp stamp?
Office Bitch: (all butt hurt) UM NOOOO gawwdd …that’s rude
Me: Um honey, you are not the first girl to think of getting a tattoo there, I have one myself and they are called tramp stamps.. get over it
Observer: again with some nervous laughter
Office bitch: The only thing that has stopped me from getting one there is that my ass crack goes way far up my back .. more than the average person I think …

Wait for it ……………………………………………

Me: giving a whole new meaning to you being ALL ass.

That was fun….

Thanks come again

A freak in every place ..

2008-12-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

6 am at the local gas station.. I stop in to get me a pack of camel lights, some coffee and a juice. It’s early and I am feeling groggy from the sleeping pills I took the night before I’m wearing my usual day job attir, torn jeans, sweat shirt and my oversized UTES coat. As I am standing in front of the juice cooler, trying to decide if I feel like cranberry, apple or orange…. this man in a suit approaches me and stands directly behind me.

Um NOT SO MCUH asshole… this girl has a personal space issue .. back the fuck up !!
I glance over at the table of the old coffee drinker regulars... I think they can see the panic in my eyes..

I fake a smile and say to the man …
“Good morning”
….
And get nothing in return.
um....
Then I say …
“I know it’s early man, but SPEAK and get the hell out of my personal space. .. You are starting to freak me out.”

He steps back and says “You have beautiful hair, so shinny”…

Ok now at this point I am giving my signature “what the fuck” look

He leans forward, takes a exaggerated whiff of my hair, and says…

“GOD you smell great !! ... What a great way to start my morning”

What the fuck???

No more left turns …

2008-11-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would share with you all how I have been feeling lately … pretty vague I know … but it sums up the last few weeks in two lovely words ...

Oh’ really?

2008-10-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

K so I guess I have forgotten the basic rules of blogging… you know the proper feeding and care. To tell the truth I have been feverously working on new technology so I can think my posts in to the computer instead of doing things the old fashion way .. you know the whole typing of my thoughts seems to be cramping my style lately .. obviously …

Things have been rather hectic and kind of chaotic lately and I can’t really give a logical reason why other than I have ran out of alcohol and cant think my way to the liquor store to get more.

See this is really fucking up the rotation here for me…

Oh’ did I tell u all that I am writing a book .. yeah about my life but not an autobiography and I have changed the names of those I have included in my book to protect the innocent … anyway all was going well for a few months there but not so much lately… for real people I cant have a 5,000 page book so I am trying to condense … and let me tell you all it has been hard because um…the sex scenes are well rather good .. ok .. real good .. ok ok blow your mind need a wet nap good … and how can I leave those out? And the drama parts .. um yeah those are pretty good to because everyone that knows me knows that um there may be a little drama involved … not entirely caused by me ..with life .. comes drama. And for a while there .. TOO much drama!! hence the new love for dirty martinis and bloody marry’s and .. ok so you see my point here. So I took a break from writing because well, I have been distracted .. well doing research for more sex scenes (thank you 10%) and last night I re-read some of the pieces of my book … people … if I do say so myself … it is FUCKING good !!! I just have to condense a little (okay maybe a lot ) and I am thinking that by the first of the year.. I may … just may … be able to actually let someone other than me read it… yeah that is a scary thought … maybe one day I will be famous … yeah that is wishful thinking but still a girl ahs got to have dreams.

Whatutalkingbout?

2008-09-08T11:05:00.001-07:00

Yeah, So, Um, Hi there…. Looks like I am back.. Just had to get a divorce and wrap up a few other things …..We will get into that here later on … No time for blogging when shit is hitting the fan.... literally but I got me some cleaning supplies and things are .. well, we will just say … much better now ….. So here I am .. Ready to amuse you all once more with my smart ass classy blogging style …. Mowahhhaaaaa

Closing the door

2008-04-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Well folks.. The time has come for me to close the door on this too… for once .. I am at a loss for words

Yep......

2008-03-15T17:32:00.001-07:00

Pretty much sums up how I am spending my weekend …………….......................................................................

.............

2008-02-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

The boys of American idol need to STOP wearing makeup .. seriously .. whoever is applying that much foundation, blush and lipstick to these boys needs there ass kicked …..that shit needs to stop… I am hopped up on cold medicine and it confuses me.. It helps when boys look like boys and girls look like girls.. Last night my daughter walked in to my room and informed me that she had 57 freckles on her body.. 9 on her face.. 14 on her legs.. I lost focus at this point in the conversation .. she is hopped up on cold medicine also.. neighbor behind me YOU SUCK ASS .. why would you have a dog just to keep it in the backyard ALL DAY AND NIGHT … I can hear your damn dog constantly barking I am sure you CAN HEAR IT TOO FUCKERS … here is an idea.. why don’t you take off all your clothes and spend a night in your backyard and see how you like it.. I am sure not much ass wipes … I hate people like you… and to the other neighbor up the street.. please tell me why you painted your door purple. What does that mean? I am perplexed as to why you chose that bright color to paint your front door every time I drive by… are you a crack house? Is it a religious thing? What the hell ?? The sun has come out this week and has melted some of the snow .. I am trying not to get too excited though because in Utah it can snow in May.. that is just LAME if you ask me ..I need sushi … soon …. I promised myself that I would not get addicted.. but I am .. there I said it … I am trying to learn how to use chop sticks and not look like an idiot… I can pick up a roll with sticks but can’t seem to master the art of eating rice and squid salad with them … why is so damn hard? And who’s idea was it to eat with sticks anyway ? seriously…. Pear vodka is my new favorite drink .. because who doesn’t like pear .. and vodka mixed together in a glass of happiness ? …New girl.. in a way I am glad that Friday is your last day.. you see I have this thing about people that I don’t know touching me .. I hate it ….DON’T DO IT … … you touched my arm AND hair the FIRST day you were here .....Hair and arm touch in the same day … FUCK OFF ....I can’t like you. And just because we had a similar surgery does not make us instant friends … I try to remain closed off and distant from co- workers .. Sorry that is just the way it is… I am going to go take a tylenol cold and a mucinex with some pear vodka and get some rest ….

Because I said it so well the same time last year ...

2008-02-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Mucus,

We need to have a talk, and since you are being so stubborn.. you have forced me to do this in a letter.

We have been together for a few weeks now, and you really were not too bad in the beginning, however I can’t handle the pressure any more… You have been so demanding lately… I know that you are frustrated at work and all, but so am I….

I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate and have had a headache over this every day for a week now.

Also I hear that you have been intimate with a few of my friends.. come on.. I told you in the beginning that this was just a fling, but my friends to??.. You sure do get around.

I appreciate that you think that I have a cute nose and a sexy nasal cavity really I do, but the time has come to call it quits …

Come to think about it …. It will not hurt my feelings if you start an intimate relationship with someone else .. HONEST … I am trying to let you go gently, Please don’t force me to get a restraining order.. Just pack up your belongings and leave. Don’t cry, we were not meant to be.

Sincerely, MJ

Immediate medical attention may be required

2008-02-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday when my daughter came through the door holding her side.. I asked her what happened........She told me in her most dramatic voice.. about how she was walking down the sidewalk and slipped on some ice.. and owwww !!!! it hurts sooooo bad…. and my kneeeeee too …. and MOM!!! .. it was awful.. and mom I felt so embarrassed.. LOOK at it MOM !!! It HURTS … NOOOOOOOOO don’t touch it !!!

After I assured her that her wound would NOT require tweezers, hydrogen peroxide, or surgery … I looked her over… just a little sidewalk rash.. no bleeding .. a scrape on the surface of the skin..

!!!MOM!!! It hurts …. What are we going do???

I used my sure fire reply… “Go put some Neosporin on it”

Off she went … to apply copious amounts of Neosporin to her major injury…

About 15 minutes later.. she comes in to tell me good night as I am hugging her.. I can feel that she is um.. I guess bulky? Around her waist…

I ask.. how is your injury? Are you going to be okay ?

Yes mom, I put a bandage on it and it is really helping my side feel better.. see look …..

When a regular old band aid won’t cut it…

So a big Thank you to the makers of ACE bandages….you saved the night … if it was not for the ACE… all hell could have broken loose.....

Why?

2008-01-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

Because I have reached my personal limit of weight on my shoulders…..Because I am exhausted.. Because I feel like I have nothing more to give..Because sometimes I don’t know what to do with my emotions… Because I can only put on my happy face for so long ……

That is why

Because you crack my ass up T Mobile

2008-01-24T10:16:00.001-08:00

Seriously the best commercial on television

Damn you KRAFT ….You should never change a good thing …

2008-01-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

To the whom it may concern,

Two years ago I was on the hunt for a new breakfast cereal.. I saw your catchy commercial… and decided that I would give your cereal .. Honey bunches of oats… a try.. I purchased 3 boxes. Original, Peach and strawberry.. One spoonful was all it took!!! It WAS a mouthful of joy.. It really was !!!

Strawberry was my favorite.. the clusters of oats.. the corn flakes , the crisp not too sweet strawberries … it was like a celebration in my mouth !! Perfect !! I have consumed a bowl full almost every morning faithfully for two years.

But there is no longer any celebrating going on... There is no more joy.. the fun stoped last week when....

I noticed that I had run out of my favorite breakfast cereal.. I went to my local grocery store and bought 4 boxes.

As I poured a bowl, I was full of anticipation .. but wait… I noticed something was different …My cereal that I have eaten for 2 years now looks .... well .... not the same as it did the other 730 times I have poured myself a bowl ..I could not figure out what exactly was different until I poured the milk and ate it …. .. the strawberries got all squishy and gross .. the clusters of oats were pinkish… I like my oats to be oat colored. Remember clear Pepsi?? Green ketchup.. That did not go over well because well.. as an American I need my Pepsi to be cola colored and my ketchup to be red.. Those are just the facts there … PERIOD

What have you done KRAFT? Why did you go and try to make a change to a perfect thing? At first I thought maybe someone in your manufacturing plant had a bad day and was hoping, praying ... just the one box was like that so I opened the other 3 boxes that I purchased.. ALL the same

FUCK !!

I am not telling you how to run your business .. HOWEVER…. If you are going to make those kind of corporate decisions, you should consider say maybe ..Advertising ??!!??….There was no difference in the packaging no “New and Improved” on the box.. nothing… I am very disappointed…

And now I am on the hunt again for a breakfast cereal that will bring back the mouthful of joy.

Decisions Decisions

2008-01-15T09:24:00.000-08:00

Keep it long .. or cut the shit off?? And damn I need to get it colored AGAIN ……….. Some days it sucks to be a girl ………….

Why you should not eat your friend’s homemade sushi

2008-01-10T06:02:00.000-08:00

We were invited to a friends for sushi dinner last night … Tuna, crab, avocado, cucumber, sea weed.... you know the basic spread.. the fish was very tasty.. However….
1. I am sick
2. Did I say that I am sick
3. Seaweed is for animals.. not humans … that shit is nasty

I can still taste the sea weed today … this is not a good thing ……

From now on.. I will leave it up to the professional’s thanks

Reason 876 why you should always wear your wedding ring to Wal-Mart

2008-01-03T06:40:00.000-08:00

We got all moved into our new place … thank god … I had removed my wedding ring in the moving process because I have already broken it 3 times … see how responsible I can be??

It had snowed 4 times last week and our north facing driveway was completely snow packed..

I needed to get some ice melt from Wal-Mart

It is winter .. In Utah … Ice melt should be by the FRONT door … but no…….

As I am making my second lap around the store .. I hear a man behind me talking to his daughter…

Man: We can look at the toys after I find the ice melt..

I turn around to find a man in his late 30’s sportin a full on mullet… NICE …… I say to the man … “well when you find it .. let me know” …

Man: sure thing darlin’

Ok so I hate it when complete strangers call me darlin’

Surprise surprise .. I am irritated at this point

I hunt down a friendly Wal-Mart employee and ask where the fuck the ice melt is in this store…
Mullet man is following me like a lost puppy

She kindly points me to the lawn and garden section .. you know the one .. where they sell flowers and garden shit in the summer…. That is a perfectly logical place to put the ice melt … nice one Wal-Mart

Alas !!! I have located the ice melt … I am about to grab a 50 pound bag when ….. WAIT……
Mullet man thinks that I am unable to lift an absurd 50 lb bag of ice melt.. he rushes around me and picks up the bag and places it in my cart…

Me: thank you

Man: you are very welcome baby doll….

What the fuck did you just call me ??? ( ok so I did not say it but I totally thought it)

I leave the lawn and garden section and grab some other needed items… and head to the check out

As I am standing in line … I hear a man talking to his daughter… I turn around and it is none other than dun da na naaaa mullet man…

Him: Hey... if you want me to follow you out to your car.. I can help you put the ice melt in your trunk…

Then rape and kill you …. No he did not say that .. but he was thinking it … :)

Me: I have got it thanks

Him: Well a pretty girl like you should not have to lift that heavy bag

Me: Famous “fuck you” look and nervous laughter

Him: My name is Don and this is my daughter Lexy

Me: My name is MJ and I have 14 children…. I think I can manage a 50 lb bag of ice melt… Thanks

I swear if I see him on Americas Most Wanted I totally will call for the reward money …

Party like a … What ? Happy Birthday Choll

2008-01-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

My first annual invite to Cholls Birthday bash …. I had a blast !!

A bunch of brunettes …

Ro and Bear

Guess which one of us is drunk …..

Me helping Will rock some mod sexy hair ..

Squinshin’ on the couch ...

I totally had a great time … and was not even drunk ... I know ..I know ... somebody write it down somewhere quick *Ü*

I can’t wait to come back and show you my mad Rock Band skills...However I will be requiring at least a bottle of wine if I am handed the microphone !!

Awkward

2007-12-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

It is a damn awkward feeling when you are face to face with an individual and you can’t tell if they are a girl or a boy.

Is it impolite to ask?

I hate to be confused

Why are you so irritated you ask ?

2007-12-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

Saturday afternoon hubby and I decided to go and see I am Legend along with 50 billion other people. The drive to the theater was shitty due to the fact that it was 1. Saturday 2. Almost Christmas and 3. People are just shitty drivers in Utah

When we got to the theater, there was a line to buy tickets (which you must do outside) I hopped in what looked to be the shortest line… only to discover...Fuck no .. We get some individual that cannot function at normal human speed… it was kind of like she just smoked a pound of pot and washed down 12 zannies with a gallon of wine… get the picture ? oh and did I mention that it was a whopping 28 degrees out side ? I am allergic to the cold .. I HATE winter …and it makes me rather bitchy. Needless to say .. after 15 minutes of standing out in the cold freezing my ass off .. I was not in the most pleasant mood by the time we got to the ticket window. Yes I was a bitch to her.. she in turn slowed down even more… if it were not for the plexi glass window that separated us .. I may just have killed her

Individual employed by local movie theater 1 me 0

Yesterday at the grocery store I carefully picked out 2 apples. Examining them for any imperfections looking for the 2 most perfect apples in the store. When I got to the checkout stand this bitch threw my perfect apples on the damn scale to weigh them.. I kindly told the bitch that I spent a long time selecting the perfect apples and that she just bruised the shit out of them. She just gave me one of my SIGNATURE fuck you looks .. bitch stole my look… After she had finished ringing up my items, I told her that I no longer wanted the damaged apples. She was not happy about this.. but took the apples off my bill.. I paid her with my card and asked for 60.00 back in cash. She grabbed 3 twenties.. as soon as she was shutting her cash drawer, I kindly asked for 2 twenties and 2 tens… well because I was just feeling sad about my apples not that I really needed 2 twenties and 2 tens..

Bitch said … MAAAAM!!!!! … We are not the bank. And handed me 3 twenties.

What the hell… first of all …. I am not near old enough to be called maaaaaam second of all .. if she would not have bruised my apples.. I would not have tried to make our transaction as difficult as possible.

Bitch employed by local grocery store 1 Me 0

The most wonderful time of year huh ?

Very catchy !!

2007-12-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hey there vagina

Possibly one of my favorite posts EVAHHH

I will never ever be able to listen to that song again without a grin !!

The good.. The bad… The hot dentist..and naughty thoughts

2007-12-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

…Yesterday I had to go to the dentist…. I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST…. I had to get a bunch of work done on my teeth… Not anything major, just replaced the old silver fillings with pretty white fillings, and had some work done on the root of my back tooth…sonofabitch THAT hurt !! I decided to do all of this in a one stop manner. So that I would not have to return in a week to get the other side of my mouth worked on. I was numb on all four sides … I kept on asking the doctor for a mirror because I felt like small children could stand on my bottom lip SEXY !! Did I mention that my old 80 year old dentist that smelled like peanuts retired and SUPPRISE !!!!! he has been replaced with a smoking HOT younger dentist? That smelled like he was wearing “jump in the bushes with me” cologne …ummmmmm With the laughing gas a couple xanax and my sick twisted imagination I thought about taking my clothes off right there in the office and asking for a pelvic exam .... RELAX... I only thought about it ….. I am eating as much sugar as possible in hope for a cavity.. so that I can go back and think naughty thoughts again!!!

Also yesterday, hubby and I found us a home !! I cannot tell you how excited I am about this !! Cute house, nice neighborhood.. big fenced in back yard.. giant tub…. All in all what it equals to is …lots of random places to have sex !!! wooooot

With the house and Christmas… I am one broke ass !!! So if I don’t love your guts…. Don’t expect much for Christmas this year
XOXO

Crack... It’s what’s for breakfast

2007-11-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

Today while on smoke break, Ro spotted a dollar bill in the gutter…and picked it up…. It took me a second to realize that it was rolled up in a meth snorting straw kind of way.. Ro instantly threw it down on the table and wanted nothing to do with it because she is the smarter one.

I on the other hand… compulsively needed to investigate …. ( I am a wannabee volunteer sheriff’s deputy crime scene investigator) So what do I do…. The obvious.. I unroll the dollar bill to see if I can detect any trace amounts of white on the bill….. annnnnddd……. YES there was quite a bit of the strange white substance on the bill….. I was about to investigate further when … The rational side of my brain slapped me on the wrist and said… “NO MJ!!!!… NO do NOT taste it like you seen the actors do on that one show… that is TV…. That is not real. Dumb ass."

Ro flipped it off the table in a gesture of disgust…. Because she IS the smart one….

I have washed my hands repentantly thinking that I may have trace amounts of methamphetamine on my skin, and I the high will kick in any second now…. Because marijuana leads to crack. Crack leads to crystal meth... which leads to death.

Also I am really curious who the crack head is here at work !!! I will be randomly checking my co-workers nostrils throughout the day.

A wannabee volunteer sheriff’s deputy investigators work is never done

Really ? You are too kind !!

2007-11-19T07:11:00.001-08:00

The CEO awarded me with this cute pink nice sized award…..

The inner me always wanted to be a rocker….
Now I can rock out with my cock out ..........

Because I am free as a bird now.........................

Awww shucks !!

2007-11-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

What a way to start off my morning !!

I received this lovely award from My Reflecting Pool ”This badge is for bloggers who make their blog their own, stay with it, interact with their readers, and have fun!"

I discovered My Reflecting Pool from a blog roll … I am SO glad that I clicked the link to her blog … I really love to read her blog.. she makes me think, and cracks me up !! The kind of blog I love to read while drinking a nice glass of wine !!

I am nominating:

Chollyson

The Art of Time Suckage

The Morning Meeting

Certifiable Princess

Now I need to catch up on the days I missed reading your blogs because I was laying in bed :)

All is well :)

2007-11-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

I had my gallbladder out Friday at 6:15 am The doctor said that it was diseased and sent it off to the pathologist to see what was wrong with it.. I am recovering quickly ( I only have 4 holes in my stomach) I am happy to say that I have not experienced ANY side effects other than feeling a bit bloated. My theory is that nothing will change without my gallbladder because it was not working in the first place. I just won’t have the pain any more. I have been able to eat and drink anything that I want to so far!! I am just taking it easy, staying in bed and getting as much rest as possible !!!

This will be my last ( I hope ) surgery

2007-11-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

Went to get a second opinion yesterday…. SAME diagnosis ….

"MJ, Your gallbladder does not work… It does not know when to contract anymore….which is causing you the pain."

Solution -------- Remove the gallbladder………..

So the gallbladder is coming out tomorrow …………………………….. I am really nervous about this one as I read a TON of garrbage on the internet.

Bad Bad choice ... Never let me do this again ... EVER

I asked the doctor about weight gain, he said that when someone’s gallbladder is not functioning or they have stones, they tend NOT to eat….. they get gallbladder removed they feel better… they EAT and EAT = Gain weight

I also asked about what I would have a hard time eating. He said fatty foods. Which I do not eat now anyway and maybe alcohol….. WHAT !!?? I just developed a love for wine and I mean a deep passionate sexy love ….. This saddens me more than you know…. Please send good thoughts my way because if I come out of this not being able to drink wine…… WATCH the FUCK out !!! ahem anyway moving right along ………………..

I cannot continue to try and function every day while in continuous pain …. It makes me rather bitchy :) So adios gallbladder…

I really appreciate your feedback in the comments of my last post… You guys are great !!!

Wish me luck :)

Update…..

2007-11-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

It is official .. my gallbladder is no good. I do not have gall stones however, my gallbladder is not functioning like it should and so the GI doctor suggested it to be removed. I meet with the surgeon Wednesday.

For the last two days I have been researching about gallbladder removal on the internet
This is where the internet is NOT my friend…..
The most popular things that I am finding on the internet are things like …….

I gained 50 lbs after I had my gallbladder removed and I can’t lose the weight
I have to shit 5 times a day
My stomach is bloated
I went from a size 6 to a size 14
I barley eat 700 calories and I STILL can’t lose weight
EVERYTHING passes right through me.
DO not listen to your doctor when he tells you that you do not need your gallbladder..

It goes on and on ....

OKOK I know that the internet is full of strange people (like me) that bitch about everything. However, it is quite alarming to hear story after story of rapid weight gain and horrific diarrhea. I feel bad now… However I am not up for feeling worse after my gallbladder is removed.

I am asking you.. My lovely internet friends ……… Have any of you out there had or know of someone who has had their gallbladder removed? PLEASE tell me about it!!!! I am feeling scared… like maybe I should try an alternate before I get my gallbladder removed.

I blew it….. NaBloPoMO

2007-11-02T06:23:00.001-07:00

All I had to do was post every day in November…. And I blew it…. I am out

NICE going MJ

Are you SURE ??

2007-10-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

And the Doctor thinks that it is my …… drum roll please……………….. Gallbladder…….. If I am remembering correctly… I told the doctor that I thought it was my gallbladder back in JUNE.. Before I had all these ridiculous tests.. It took a co-worker of mine approximately 7 minutes to diagnose me by checking my symptoms on the internet.. My entire family including the dog think it is my gallbladder…

And why when you tell the doctor that an area hurts… he pushes on it ??? I about flew off the table and kicked him in the teeth when he pressed on my stomach and I took a breath in yesterday .. I cannot even put into words the pain…

He also prescribed me some new medicine to help until we can figure out what is wrong with my stomach..

Why do I read the side effects when I get prescribed a new drug? ALWAYS a bad idea… Always ….
Nausea, headache, diarrhea, gas, dry mouth, runny nose, **dizziness, sudden abdominal pain, weight gain/ weight loss, cough, fever, headache, joint/back pain, difficulty sleeping,
Sound good to you ??

We will find out next week after yet again … another set of tests….

Safety glasses and helmet required

2007-10-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

Many years ago ( I was in the 9th grade) but still it was a long time ago …. I along with my boyfriend at the time and some friends went on a group date to a local haunted house. No big deal right. The boys like it because the girls squeal and hold on tight to their man. I was never really like that and could hold my own.. Which kind of sucked for my date I am sure :) I hated it because of all the smoke/fog stuff, the flashing lights that make me want to have a seizure, the smell of too many people in one building…. but I really did not want to be the lame ass who did not go to the haunted house.. so I went
We are about half way through the haunted house …As I turn a corner none other than Freddy Kruger and his big long ass fingernails jumps out at me … all the sudden there is pain and there is warmth ….there is pain and blood … Pain in my eye ball ??? Freddy Kruger and his long ass metal fucking fingernails just jumped lunged at me with this long ass spikes of nails and poked me in the left EYE FUCKKKKKK !!!!!!! ok lets break this down quick.

Date
Dark
Freddy Kruger
Long ass fingernails
Pain in eyeball
What the fuck

When you are bleeding from the eye ball.. it is extremely difficult to remain calm. So let’s just say that I freaked out a little. After the group I was with realized that something was wrong they all freaked out . And Freddy Kruger really freaked out . So Freddy Kruger got on his walkie talkie device and called management. Management turned on ALL The lights in the entire place. Nobody besides my date group and Freddy Kruger know what the hell is going on.. As I am being escorted by the “medical team” to the back office.. all I can hear is “what is going on?” “turn off the lights” “is that girl bleeding?” “Ohmygod!!!. Is HER EYE BALL bleeding?”

I get looked over by the haunted house low budget rental medical team. My eye ball is fine.. I have a few broken blood vessels in my eye but I am not blind… thank you lord….. I have a cut in the corner of my eye and one above my eye. I do not need stitches.. I will live.. I will see… things are good…

After what felt like an hour, it was decided that I could go home… the manager of the haunted house was in the room while I was being looked over.

I told my date that I just wanted to go home. My date, asked the manager if we could get a refund (because you are broke when you are in 9th grade) and he said unfortunately no, but he would happily give me a pass so that I could return as much as I wanted at no charge. FUCK YOU MANAGER OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE!!!! NO I NEVER WANT TO RETURN. I mentioned that I should call my parents… Freddy Kruger forked over 40 dollars to me on my way out.. he felt really bad……..

I have not returned to a haunted house since.. not once… My husband wanted to take me when we first started dating .. I told him that if he did not mind me wearing a football helmet and safety glasses, I would be happy to go. We STILL have not gone….

O……Hello there

2007-10-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

I have been in a permanent state of bad moodiness for the last 5 days ….. bad mood = no posts ….seriously this blog is already rated NC-17

*I ended up NOT going to my lame ass Doctors office to sit and wait like a predator stalking its prey. I only have one remaining get out of jail free pass and would like to save it for a more exciting event. Instead I chose to go and see a “natural doctor” my first appointment was last Thursday.. I am going again today.. He has made me feel better (In a weird hurty but good kind of way) with one visit that any other doctor has as of yet. I am taking lots of herbs and potions .. but if it is working .. Who am I to judge??

*Winter in Utah sucks ass… the skin all over my body gets dry .. the skin on my hands hands get super dry and crack then hurt like crazy .. last night I ran out of the best lotion in the universe.. I am checking UPS site every 15 minutes for my shipment… what is a girl supposed to do when she runs out of her magic hand cream?

*Sunday night I burned the roof of my mouth with temperate of the sun chicken enchiladas..HOLLY Ssssshittttttt …!!! They were hot!! Now the roof of my mouth is all blistered and kinda peeling .. YUMMY !! It is kind of like when you were a kid and lost a tooth and could not keep your tongue from investigating the new hole in your mouth… I cannot keep my tongue from investigating the hanging blistered skin on the roof of my mouth… NICE

*Someone told me last week that we had 8 shopping weeks left until Christmas .. I just about stabbed them in the eye with a pair of scissors.. I only thought about it .. I ONLY thought about it …..

I will not put you through the rest of the shitty details of last week… I am sure it could have been worse… this week will be better.. it has to be !!

P.S. blogger is a stubborn bitch and will not put spaces in my posts ….. I hate you some days blogger.. I really hate you

Long story in three short parts.

2007-10-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

My doctor SUCKS.

Has no idea what is wrong with me, will not return my phone calls, and thinks it is all in my head. Called the Doctor on Saturday because he STILL had not returned my calls… he told me to go to the Emergency room….

The local hospital that my lame medical insurance covers is a JOKE.

Went to the ER on Saturday and was told QUOTE “ We can treat your symptoms today, but we are not advanced enough to diagnose you” I got a bag of IV fluids and a sympathy looks from the nurse, then was sent home. Thank you for NOTHING assholes .

Was I NOT at the damn HOSPITAL ?? Where there are doctors, and diagnostic machinery?? If I can’t get help at the HOSPITAL … where can I get help

I am fucked, I am sick and tired of these Pretend doctors that just want to suck your money away from you with test after test and won’t return your phone calls because he has NO CLUE what is wrong with me.

The plan.

Going to sit in the doctor’s office until I can talk to him today .. and get some answers.. or referred to a REAL doctor that can help …FUCKER

Karma is a bitch

2007-10-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday I had some errands to run. I had to stop by the post office to get my mail, while I was getting all the shit out of my PO box, I hear… someone say “MJ”?!!?!!? I turn and see someone that I do not recognize. Someone that has a orange mullet… someone that has a walker, Someone that was as big as a house. I am not exaggerating here.. big as a damn house.

I am sure that I had a perplexed look on my face because this is how the conversation went down.

Her- you don’t recognize me do you?

Me-No.. sorry

Her- It’s KIM !! we went to school together…

Then all the shitty memories came back to me…

It all started in elementary school. Kim was the biggest douche bag EVER!! Kim was a tom boy, I was not. Kim was rail thin.. I was average. Kim had bright orange mullet hair, I had long brown hair. Kim had problem with me, I did not know why. She was the one that told all the boys that I stuffed my bra, she is the reason why the entire 5th grade class saw my breasts. She was the one that threw sand in my eyes. She was the one that pushed me off the big toy.

In junior high.. She was the one that told everyone that I was a slut, I was not. She was the one that wrote shitty messages about me on the bathroom stall wall. She was a awful.. She was still a tom boy she still had a bright orange mullet.

We got pregnant at the same time and ended up at the same “special” high school for the sperminated. GRAND… who the fuck would poke that ?? My guess is… One drunk son of a bitch ...Sick…. We did not talk at all during high school.. just mostly gave death glares. And talked shit behind each other’s backs. She still was a tom boy and she still had a bright orange mullet. And she was a giant douche bag…

Ok ….Ok back to the conversation at the local post office……

Kim- You look great!! .. You still look the same

Me- I wish I could say the same, I hardly recognize you.

Kim- uneasy laugh.. So are you married? Have any kids?

Me- Yep, I have been married for about 6 years and have 2 kids what about you?

Kim- I just got re-married.. then she whispers … “for the 3rd time” (like anyone in the post office including me gives a fuck!!) and I have 9 kids. The she raddled off their names
What the fuck is going on here???

Why am I having this lame conversation.. Why am I standing in the post office having a conversation with a douche bag?

I quickly excuse myself while she is in mid-sentence.

As I walk out to my car all I can do is shake my head and laugh… it felt so good to see her all fucked up and shaped like a house.. I know that is not good of me to feel that way but damn, it was very elating …. I don’t carry around my bad school memories with me…but I will never forget Kim the douche bag… and it was a shock to see her after all these years… Some people never change… sure they may gain some weight or lose some weight.. Change their hair whatever… but some serious bad karma went down with her..

Thank you for making my Tuesday wonderful Kim the douche bag.. Thank you!! Seeing you like that made up for the shitty things you did to me all those years ago.

For the love of new shoes

2007-10-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am in LOVE with these shoes… Yes it is love... Yes I am wearing these today.. Yes I CAN walk in them.

I have never been a fan of shoes.. EVER… I refuse to wear closed toe shoes for the summer, fall and most of the winter.. I will wear open toe shoes up until there is a 3 foot blanket of snow…. flip-flops were my shoe of choice up until they were banned at work … lame… Just recently I have become kind of obsessed with shoes.. Damn !!!! They come in every color !! they are cute !! they are sexy !! I can’t get enough ~~~ The above shoe is a good choice at work due to the fact that if someone angers me .. I can shove the heal into their temple.. :) just sayin’

I get a pedicure every other weekend.. I think that if you are a woman and have ugly feet.. you have problems.. I can judge a woman by her feet. It is no wonder why people think that feet are gross.. Most feet ARE gross!!! Long yellow toe nails, chipped polish, and cracked thick callused heals are not sexy !!!! For some.. it is a good thing that winter is approaching.. so they can cover those bad boys up !! For me.. It is sad.. but I will continue to wear open toe shoes until I get a little frost bite on the piggy’s !!!

Are you sleeeeepy ?

2007-10-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

So last Monday I had my endoscopy. I showed up at my scheduled time. I did not eat or drink and all that jazz.. just goes to show you that I CAN in fact follow directions (when I want to) anyhow.. they call my name and and take me back to the “prep” room.. Give me a gown that is

1. Ugly
2. Size XXXXXL

The nurse comes in and I ask how long is the wait? ( I am getting rather good at these things and know that just because I am back in the prep room with my giant gown on does not mean that this test will happen any time soon.) The nurse Linda was very good and went to check for me. She said that they are waiting for you NOW !! Wooot !!! So she proceeds to try to put in the IV. She attempts to put the IV in my right hand… she is not having much luck and is starting to kinda panic.. I re-assure her that this happens all the time and that I am used to it .. that seemed to help her relax a little.. after about 4 minutes of her fishing back and forth with the needle in my hand trying to get the vain that she “knows is there” she decides that she should ask someone else to help her to get my IV in..
In walks nurse #2 Melissa.. Melissa is kinda cocky and was more than happy to show Linda up with her mad IV skills. Melissa has the tourniquet on my arm and is getting ready to try and put the IV in the bend of my left arm when in walks my Doctor.. and says ..”I am READY!! ...............INSTANTLY Melissa gets nervous.. (on a side note… It is NEVER OK with me when my nurses/ Doctors/hair dressers get nervous.... ever...) Melissa tries to put the IV in my arm… she is in a rush… and………. O…….. she T..H..I..N..K..S….. she has it ………. Melissa takes the tourniquet off and pulls the sleeve of my gigantic gown down…..For one quick second I think… ummm what is that strange feeling in my arm??.. it kinda stings … o well .. lets just get this over with… END of thought

So now I am in the room where they do the procedure.. Blood pressure cuff CHECK .. Oxygen CHECK… Patient rolled over to her left side.. CHECK…. Medicine that sedates patient in under 5 minutes … Just given….

Me: So how long will this test take…
Nurse: 20 minutes
Me: How long have you been a Nurse?
Nurse: 14 Years
Me: WOW …
Doctor: how long has it been
Nurse: 7 minutes
Dr: Give her more medication
Nurse: OK

Nurse then gives me MORE sleepy time medicine

Me: Am I supposed to be asleep now?
Nurse: yes
Me: Soooo you ever get tired of looking inside random strangers stomachs?
Nurse: Not really.. it is rather interesting
Me: I would get tired of seeing the inside of peoples stomachs
Dr: How long has it been
Nurse: 18 Minutes
Dr: give her more medicine
Nurse: OK

Nurse gives me another does of sleepy time medicine

Me: It sure is cold in here
Nurse: honey… are you tired?
Me: NOPE
Nurse: open you mouth and hold your breath .. I am going to spray your throat with the numbing spray..
Me: OK
Nurse: try to close your eyes and relax
Me: it is so cold in here… I need more blankets
Dr: ( who I will say is rather irritated at this point) How long has it been?
Nurse 24 minutes:
Dr: give her MORE medicine
Nurse: OK but after this dose .. we can not administer any more..

Nurse gives me MORE sleepy time medicine

Me: WOW that really numbs your throat ..
Me: It SURE is cold in here... are you guys cold?
DR: We are going to go ahead and start… I am gong to put this towel over your head and it may feel a little uncomfortable ( I am SURE I have heard that before …)
Me: OK

Towel goes over my head… and they start…. The whole test took about 20 minutes just like the nurse said… It was More than a LITTLE uncomfortable It was painful at times…. But I got through it… they pull the scope out and I immediately sit up and say to the Doctor ….” Your version and my version of uncomfortable is WAY different “…

The nurses freak out because …. I SHOULD be sleeping … I refuse to be wheeled out of the room in the bed.. I want to walk… so I walk to my “recovery” room… and announce that I am ready to go home ….

Nurse #3… Stephanie comes in and removes my IV…. She hands me a gauze pad and tells me to apply pressure to the site where the IV was… and THAT is when I notice that my arm hurts and I notice a GIANT pocket of liquid has developed under my skin in the bend of my arm……… I get dressed and in comes the Doctor… gives us the report on what he found and tells my husband…. “I don’t know what happened in there.. we gave her enough sedative to put out a horse… she was awake for the whole thing” ( BUT NOW…. I KNOW) They tell me that I need to go to the bathroom ????? before I can go home????? that is the most bizarre thing that I have EVER heard about…. I am certain... CERTAIN .....100 % that nothing went up that hole…… Anyhow I do what I am told and go to the bathroom…. While I am in there I try to massage the pocket of fluid in the bend of my arm…… trying to make it go down so that hubby doesn’t see if and FREAK OUT …… I get it to the point where it looks ok enough so that no one will really notice…. I go back in to my “recovery” room and Stephanie states that it is policy that she wheel me out in a damn wheel chair….. I got a little irritated at this point and said something like … "So if I come here and lay down …. You need to wheel me out ??? I did not even get sedated"… WHATEVER … She decided that she could probably get away with walking me out ……
I am about half way out of the hospital with Stephanie the policy following nurse when …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I start to feel FuCKeD up ………. Fucked up ……… did I say Fucked up …. Because THAT is exactly how I felt……….. But I can't let Stephanie know because I don’t want her in a panic running around the hospital looking for the nearest wheelchair so she can throw my fucked up ass in…so I do my best non chalet ..” hey I am not fucked up” walk… after about 42 minutes of walking (I am sure that it was more like 1 minute) we get to my hubbys car that is waiting out front of the hospital for me. I get in the car and we drive away…. That is when I mention to hubby what happened…… He was not happy … (I was) because who doesn’t like being fucked up? I would have MUCH preferred being fucked up DURRING the TEST … But I take what I can get…..
My test was done at 12:30 pm Monday …… I was fucked up till Wednesday mid afternoon…. it kinda felt like a pot/alcohol/acid high (just to put it in perspective for ya)

Morale of the story here…… If you are getting IV medicine that is supposed to FUCK you up and or sedate you.. and you are NOT sedated and NOT fucked up ……. CHECK the damn IV bitches…..

All aboard......

2007-10-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

This happens every year….I am not sure if it is the impending dread that winter is quickly approaching, or if it is my health, I really am not sure what it is but I feel very depressed. More so than normal ... I have felt this way for many months now and it is starting to take its ugly toll on me. Due to medical reasons (supprise supprise) I have been off my “mood stabilizers” since April. The summer time is my mania time.. when I want to party… have lots of sex.. get tattoos.. Have FUN !! Spend money like I have a tree in the back yard that is shedding 50’s . It is easier for me to laugh and smile in the summer time… it is the time that I am on my mania high…

BUT ….It has been a rough road. ….. When you are bi-polar and un- medicated, the world is a scary place to be in. I read back through my blog archives and my posts have been random..bitchy… and.. .bazaar.. I find that it is hard to be a mother, wife, friend, daughter, co-worker in general ... a person… when I can never rely on my moods.. EVER. It is frustrating when I have this “condition” and my loved ones who are aware of this.. (I even brought home pamphlets when I was diagnosed).. and they still are SHOCKED and upset and hurt and don't understand when I have a mood swing. Or when I am in a bad mood for no apparent reason.
I am not making excuses here… being bi-polar is no excuse to be a bitch… not at all… I just have no control of my moods… happy one moment … mad the next… happy one moment .. crying the next… Sounds fun huh !

Summer is over and winter is approaching rather quickly.. This is where the mania ends and the depression begins. I hate the feeling of being trapped… being trapped in an airplane.. being trapped in an elevator.. being trapped indoors for the winter.. YUCK…..This is the time of year when I get the “fuck it’s” …I get the hey .... I don’t really give a shit attitude.. I get the .. I am going to call in sick because getting out of bed seems so much to ask of me today… This is the first time that I have had to face winter depression un medicated .. It feels a bit overwhelming to me right now… because I know what is to come and it is bad enough WITH medication …. I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist in December… that is a long ways away … in the dead of winter… It seems like forever away…. I just want to stay in bed until spring.

And the award goes to…..

2007-09-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

The CEO gave me this wonderful award.. I like it .. It makes me feel happy.. It reminds me of an acid trip I had in the 90’s !! The CEO is one of the nicest bloggers that I know. He knows when I am down (which lately is most of the time) and has a way of helping me see the brighter side of things. Even on my hardest days he can always make me smile. Thank you CEO !!

*Hubby is home … THANK THE LORD… I know it sounds like I am some crazy needy wife but I really am not.. It is just when he is gone a piece of me is gone with him and I am not complete till he is home again. uggggggg Gushy I know.

** Next**

*We got a new mattress last night and it was really hard for me to fall asleep.. I am not a big fan of change in the sleeping department.. I have slept on the same side of the bed for years. I am one of those sleepers that require 9 pillows in order to get a good night rest. I have a ritual every night before I go to bed ..

The following things MUST happen

-Take meds

- Apply chap stick

-Apply hand lotion

-Arrange my pillows

-Re-apply chap stick (it is like crack)

Every time we get a new mattress, the irrational voice in my head REFUSES to stop shouting ummmmmmmmm!!!!! hellllllooooooooo !!!!!! this is not RIIIIIGHTTTTT….!!!!!!! All I could think about was how I missed our old bed, ..'Oh the memories that we shared, all the good times spent on that bed, I felt betrayed, yes we can make new memories…. It is just hard to let go sometimes.

Annywaaayyyy I got about 18 minutes sleep last night. NICE… Thank you new bed…. Thank you

*The cold/virus/spawn of the devil..That has been circling its way around the office like a bad case of the clap… Has made its self at home inside my chest. Little fucker. Oh and did I mention that I am having an endoscopy Monday? And did also mention that I am not allowed to take cough medicine.. or pain relievers… LOVLEY… what I am saying here is that I am just a damn ball of sunshine today.

Have a fantastic Thursday !!

You are loosing it

2007-09-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

NOTHING fits me any more… NOTHING my bras, pants, shirts, underwear, I even went down a shoe size.

I did not realize how large I had gotten until I get dressed in the morning and every thing that I put on drowns me... I am not bitching …..I am not complaining..(well I kind of am) Yes loosing weight is a good thing … it is … it is just HOW I am loosing weight that is really tough on me and my body.

Here is the deal.. I loose about 4 to 5 pounds a week.. The less I eat.. the better I feel….The more I eat the more likely I will throw it up… I am living on vitamins, water, tea, coffee, phenergan, and ginger. Everything else won’t stay down.

The doctor says that I may loose 25-30 more pounds before he can figure out what the hell is wrong with me… The thing about loosing weight this fast is IT IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. It is NOT fun .. I am NOT enjoying this.. I am NO longer excited about the weight loss.. I DO not have a great figure… I have no ass I have no tits.
( I am still in the works for asking hubby for a brand new pair !!)

So I do not want to go out and buy a bunch of clothes just so that in 2-3 weeks they too will fall off me. I know what it is like to put on the pounds.. what it feels like to have to go and buy a bigger size every year.. I do … And I have to say that I kinda feel the same about loosing weight so fast… I feel out of control.. It makes me depressed.. I just want to be a healthy weight and to feel well again.

**End of rant

? Question ?

2007-09-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

Do I drive 4 hours one way to see my husband who is at a work function, So that we can have wild crazy hotel sex?

Or……

Do I wait 5 days till he gets home?

Serious things to ponder

Remembering

2007-09-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

The day that changed America……..

It is like crack

2007-09-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

I am on the bandwagon …… And can I just tell you .. I LOVE THIS BOOK !!! Everyone should be reading this !!

And I got my daughter hooked … waaa haaa haaa .. Next I will push it on to my mother .......

They do WHAAAT ???

2007-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last night hubby and I watched an episode of Taboo on the national geographic channel.. The topic of last night’s episode was tribal rituals which included … Thai-Burmese border where women, as a sign of beauty, wear heavy brass rings around their so-called long necks to make them appear longer. They also had a segment about West African state of Cameroon. When the young girls reach adolescence, they undergo a practice known as breast ironing to keep their breasts flat in an attempt to keep them unmarried and in school. The mothers or grandmothers heat a long thick stick in the fire until almost burning and then pound –massage-squish-push- the girls breast every day for months ..trying to slow down the natural growth of the breast.

There was this lady on the show who was called an “expert” on rituals ..She said that Americans have rituals that they do also. As in tattooing , cosmetic surgery etc etc ..

The show was very fascinating and I was riveted the entire hour !!

After the show, hubby and I went outside for a smoke.. We were discussing the show… when out comes my daughter mid conversation and was fascinated by the subject.

Hubby and I were trying to think of what ritual like things Americans do to their children. The only thing we could think of was circumcision. I noticed a perplexed look on my 11 year old daughters face.

Here is how the conversation went:

Daughter: What is circumcision?

Hubby: it is when they cut a boys penis…

Daughter : (very disturbed) pause……. look of horror on her face…… AS in OFF?!!!???!!!!!

Me: No! No! Honey…. Do you really want to have this conversation NOW?

Daughter: ??I think so??

Husband: (shitty grin on his face) Go for it babe !!!

Me: Pause.. Um well since I don’t have a penis … I really don’t know how to explain this …but I will do my best …..When a baby boy is born, they have a piece of skin or is it a flap?? On their penis that …….

Daughter: Looking like she is about to vomit …OK OK…THAT is all I want to hear….

Me: thank GOD !!!

Daughter: Um dad….. was your penis cut?

Me: Go for it babe!!!!!

Hubby: Anyone want ice cream ?

She can cook when she wants to .....

2007-08-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

Yep I made this …

All by myself !!!

And it was fantastic !!

The Meez me

2007-08-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

I always roll around on my hubbys car to get the night started !!!

Have a great weekend

Make yours here

Confession :

2007-08-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

I Love so you think you can dance.. I watched every episode this season (thank you tivo)
Last night was the season finale …
Sabra won!!
She is from Utah .. and she is cute as hell
I loved this season so much that I bought tickets to see the tour live in Reno.
Because they are not coming to Utah :(
I have never been to Reno..
I really have had no desire to go to Reno…
But to see Danny and Pasha dance.. I will drive 7 hours to Reno.
Then I can say that I have been to Reno because EVERYONE wants to go to Reno… Well not really .. but Danny and Pasha are HOT HOT HOT !!!
I would like to do the tango with both of them :)

There is hope

2007-08-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

When my son was 8, I noticed that he had a hard time putting his shoulders back and standing up straight . I took him to the doctor and they said that he is just an adolescent and he will have better posture when he gets older (fuckin’ doctors) a year later as his back got worse.. I took him back to the doctor and demanded that he have an x-ray of his spine.

Two days later the doctor called me and told me that my son had :

1. Scoliosis (side-to-side spinal curve)
2. Lordosis (Too much lordotic curving is called swayback)
3. Kyphosis (tends to make the buttocks appear more prominent and an exaggerated rounding to the back)

So what this all means is that my sons spine is fucked up in all three possible ways.
The doctors are reluctant to help, the hospitals are reluctant to help. It seems that everyone is reluctant to help.

It takes two hands to count how many times the school nurse has called me in a panic notifying me that my son has Scoliosis.

have been looking and looking for someone for some place that will help my son. I do not want him to be in pain anymore and the bigger he grows the more pain full it is.

Alas I found a specialty hospital that is close to home and looked promising!!! (thank you to the 7th grade school nurse… you were an amazing asset and I would not have been able to find help without you!!! )

After 4 months of trying to get my son seen at this specialty hospital…..After submitting piles and piles of paperwork…….

I got the call today

*Yes my son qualifies for their services

*Oh and they are 4 months out on new patient appointments ……………………….However, they had a cancellation and can see him next week… Are you shitting me ??

As I type this I have tears in my eyes… I am so happy that he will be getting some help so that he can be a healthy happy kid !!!

Holly shit !!! This has totally made my day

My birthday was a great one !!!

2007-08-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

I got Dog the bounty hunter series on DVD…. I LOVE the dog !!!! All the latest accessories for my expensive but fun I Pod .. the wireless adapter for X BOX live and I totally downloaded new songs for Guitar Hero II ( It is my new favorite thing… geeky I know )

Hubby worked really hard to make my birthday a special one. I got everything I wanted and more… I tend to get spoiled ... I really am a lucky girl !!!

My kids are at the age where they enjoy getting and giving me stuff… It is really fun to open the special gifts that they give. Whether it is homemade or store bought. They want me to open there’s first.. I love to look at their faces as they anxiously watch me open the gifts…I love them so much sometimes it hurts !!

I was told that my body was not meant to have children.. The doctors were shocked that I had TWO children… I am so glad that I have them..MY life would not be complete without them..

See I really AM lucky… sometimes I just need to take a step back and take a look at my life….Look past the health issues.. Look at what I have … to tell you the honest truth .. I really have a lot …

**On a side note .. Someone made me cry on my birthday and I am feeling pissed off about it still. I need to remember that some people have no regard for other people’s feelings.
I am trying not to take everything so personally.

If you want to be an asshole … please feel free to do it on any other day BUT my birthday and Christmas !!!!

Thank you
MJ

30

2007-08-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday toooo meeeee
Happy Birthday toooo meeeee

Happy Birthday toooo meeeee eeeeeee

Happy Birthday toooo meeeee

Well I have made it to 30 Ü

This year I plan to:
* Love more

* Laugh more

* Sing more

* Dance more

* Exercise more

***And feel more better !!!!!***

Say Cheese

2007-08-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law got married yesterday and after about 10,000 photos I have discovered a few things about myself :

I do not do a good “on demand smile.” Make me laugh or just be accepting of my serious face.
In most of the pictures that were taken of me yesterday, I look angry..However I did not feel angry or upset at all.. I wonder if I look angry all the time??
Maybe I should practice my on demand smile in the mirror every day until I perfect it… My sister-in-law has a fantastic “on demand ” smile and I am super jealous of it.

I like to take pictures of random things ...Like my foot, the back of my husband’s head, ( he has a great head) and random peoples shoes and clothes.

I am not good at self portraits we tried a few yesterday and for some unknown reason my chin/neck rolls up and gets all camera shy making me look like I have some serious neck deformity.. NOT GOOD.. Self portraits are not for me.

As for the wedding it’s self it was fun and exhausting at the same time…. I try to stay away from wedding and the receptions because I do not particularly enjoy them. However I did have a good time yesterday. It all just seems so overwhelming, and exhausting.

I did not get married the traditional Utah way… there was no temple wedding, no reception, no big fancy wedding dress, no wedding gifts, No reception … I am not complaining AT ALL .. just saying that it was not traditional.

My wedding day in a nut shell …..

Woke up to lipstick words on the bathroom Mirror….

MJ, Will you marry me today?

I told (fiancé at the time) sure..

Then I went to work

Later on that day fiancé called me and told me that I needed to come home we were getting

married in 2 hours.

Came home.. went to the court house.. Had to randomly find two people to be our witnesses .. and then got married… A few days later we called the family and told them that we had gotten married :) ( and no it was not a shotgun marriage)

No fuss, No stress, No bankruptcy, Easy and relaxing.

MY ONLY REGRET

We have no wedding pictures
I have decided that on our 10th wedding anniversary hubby and I are taking a trip to Hawaii, renewing our vows and I am hiring a professional photographer to take 10,000 pictures..
Maybe I will have my “on demand ” smile perfected by then…..

A Smile A Day.....

2007-07-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

A sincere thank you to all of you who have sent caring thoughts as I have been going through this super hard time ….
When I started this blog it was for fun only .. I had no intention of meeting people and caring about people in the blogosphere. I am amazed that there are so many wonderful people out there that take the time to send words of encouragement. It means so much to me.

It is hard to blog when I don’t feel well.. It is hard to do anything anymore… It has come to the point where it is difficult for me to get up in the mornings and try to make myself look presentable for work.. I don’t want to be the sickly who looks sickly… and that is exactly what my appearance is lately… Sickly

I am trying the best I can to feel good… I have several doctor appointments this week and hopefully I will have some answers soon..

To the son of a bitch that lost their muffler in the freeway

2007-07-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

I ran over it this morning at 6 am and got 2 flat tires…

Jerk off

Mj

Warning: drama to follow

2007-07-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

My eternal parts are not getting along… AT ALL ….There is a serious battle going on inside of me and no matter what I do I cannot stop the pain and discomfort ...I fear that this will not end my friends, I have a deep dreadful feeling that I will feel this way FOREVER and will be in constant pain for the rest of my life..
Super dramatic… I know

Sure I clean up nice.. I make an effort NOT to look sick .. makeup. Jewelry, cute clothes ( that are not pajamas) .. try to have a positive happy attitude and I TRY to plaster a fake ass smile on my face most of the time.. I am at the breaking point because if I say anything about how I REALLY TRULY feel , most everyone around me either

1. Freak the fuck out and want to rush me back to the ER (I would rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail)
2. Roll their eyes and pretend like they really give a shit because they are so tired of hearing about how sick I am ALL The time
3. Try to give me advice on how to start feeling better..( if you have not had serious problems with your intestines DO NOT TRY to give me any advice because you do not know what the fuck you are talking about) Ah hem thank you

Yesterday I called in sick to work… I was too ill to make it in .. I slept until 3 pm and for the rest of the night I felt guilty for calling in because all those around me hint about how they “push through it” and go to work anyway… It is not fair .. I did not MAKE myself sick .. all this is a result of a doctors fuck up 5 years ago and I will NEVER EVER me the same.. EVER…

I am not some hypochondriac !! Even though I an starting to feel like one … I don’t like to go to the doctor and tell them that I STILL do not feel better believe me .. They tell me.. “Here keep on taking these pain pills”, “here take these pills that will help you with digestion”, “here take these pills that will help with anxiety”.. “here take these pills”…. It goes on and on

I feel like I am living this pretend life where everything is forced sunshine and roses on the outside but I honestly feel like my body is shutting down on the inside.. My down fall in all this is that I push and push myself to the point when my body says “NO MORE” and then falls apart.. This is how I have always been through my life and I wonder if I really took the time to love my body (do I know how to do that ?) like I should if this would continue to happen ??
I need to keep my job.. I like the money.. I need a life outside of home.. I need to have fun .. I NEED sex.. The list goes on and on..

I am tired of being trapped inside of a body that feels like it is 90 years old..
I do not know how to get out of this rut and start living my life again ……

NC-17?

2007-07-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

^{After all my foul language ……}

^{Ass (11) Shit (7) Pain (6) Fucking (5) Bitch (3) Suck (2) Slap (1)}

^{I am only rated NC-17…….
What a DAMN shame
I must try harder}

Things have changed

2007-07-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

A year ago …..

I drank way too much coffee… Today I drink none

I had two grandmas… Today I have one

I had 3 great danes and two cats … Today I have no pets

I drank too much soda..Today I drink none

I enjoyed going to work … Today I just want to stay home

I was overweight.. Today I am not

I was a social drinker.. Today I don’t drink at all

I bit my nails… Today I have long natural nails

It was 92 degrees outside..Today is it 104

I had a lumpy car.. Today I have a new car

I felt healthy… Today I don’t

Today I just want to go someplace quiet and rest……

What I have done on my surgery “vacation” ?

2007-07-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

NOT MUCH !!

I decided to take 8 weeks off entirely !! This was a super hard recovery for me and I am still not 100%
This picture of me was taken 4 weeks ago .. just proof that I am still alive....
I have lost a total of 48 pounds since April 1st
I have not done a thing that requires much thought !!
I am just so tired STILL :(
I have read a ton of books, watched way too much TV, acquired a new love for tea (as coffee and soda are off limits) and have a killer tan !!
I even tried to convince hubby that I do not want to go back to work .. he said OK but I would need to do all the house work... I will be returning to work in a week
I am SO out of the loop on all the blogs that I love to read and am planning on spending the next few weeks catching up on ya all !
and posting more !!

And I made it home….

2007-05-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

I made it out alive !! Surgery went well. I was unfortunately cut from hip to hip to discover a hematoma and adhesions on my lower intestine. The good news is that I got a mini tummy tuck.. the doctor cut two and a half inches of skin out of my stomach. Thank you Doctor !! I spent 2 nights in the hospital and was a pretty good patient. It is damn hard to get rest in the hospital when every hour some random nurse comes in to check vital signs, give antibiotics, more fluids, and take blood. Hubby was like always an amazing man and came and spent hours and hours with me in the hospital. I came home Thursday very sleepy and sore. The ride home from the hospital was a bitch. Where is my Cadillac when I need it? Most of my days are spent in bed.. however, today I felt good enough to sit on the patio with the lap top and watch the kids swim !! How badly I want to get in and enjoy the water with them. I hope that in a few weeks I will be able to. I am off work as per the doctor’s orders for 6 weeks. No vacuuming, laundry, lifting, anything not even driving for another week. Hopefully this is that last surgery until I get my knees replaced when I am in my 70’s

Out for another surgery

2007-05-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

After many visits to the doctor’s office and several visits to the emergency room I FINALLY got someone to listen to me. In 2 hours I am going to have another surgery. I will be cut from hip to hip in order to remove a giant abscess or cyst .. They don’t know what it is. All I know is that I want the fucker OUT!!
I am a bit nervous as I know how bad it sucks to be cut wide open like that and the healing process is a slow one.. And I have to stay in the hospital for a few days (I am not into sleepovers and become grumpy rather quickly when every other hour someone comes in to check blood pressure and to draw blood) however, I will do my best to be a good patient and say please and thank you…

I am hoping that this is it and I will soon be on the mend (for real) ……

I am tired… and still sick …

2007-05-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have been living on a liquid diet for several days now.. ( before that it was yogurt and apples) I have lost 33 pounds in just under 5 weeks. The Doctors do not have an acceptable answer for me as to why I get so sick when I eat, why I have such a high temperature ( on average 102-103) or why I am losing weight so quickly ......what the hell ??? is that not their jobs ? damn

Mom has been helpful .. she refers to her Natural Guide to Healing and mixes up potions and herbs for me. love ya mom ...She hates doctors just as much as I do … half of them are quacks and cannot be trusted ….

I need to find me a voodoo doc or something

I got my blood work back from the Doctor and was told that my body is lacking all the necessary nutrients and if I can’t raise the levels, I will have to be checked in the hospital so that they can do it for me so that my body does not shut down. My triglycerides, electrolytes, liver, white blood cell count and whatever the hell else is all out of whack

I am anemic, nauseated and feel like a raving bitch ~~

Randomness # 45

2007-05-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

* It is so difficult to get my ass out of bed each work day when the alarm goes off.. some days I glance at the digital time and think in my head ??“ that can’t be right”?? I have been getting up early and going to work for years.. you would think that it would get easier.. it hasn’t ..I hear that when I get “older” it will get easier to get up so damn early in the morning. I will be retired by then.. so I guess that I will get up early and feed the damn birds..

* I work with someone that every time I hear her laugh, I want to shove a pencil in my ear.

* I hate it when someone makes you laugh.. you know a serious all out laugh then that moment comes when you start to cry .. it makes me so damn confused..

* I have been told 4 times in the last 3 days “ you look sick, Did you lose some weight?” I have just learned to come back with “you look like shit.. have you gained some weight?” then they try and smooth things over telling me that they were trying to give me a complement. Bullshit

* Yesterday on my way home, I saw a man sitting in his garage, drinking a beer in a plaid short sleeve shirt and his tighty whities.

* Each year around this time I want to get another tattoo.. .

* I need a vacation by the ocean… Do I know anyone that lives by the ocean ??

Say What ?

2007-05-09T05:36:00.000-07:00

One of the many issues that was discovered during my ER visit a week ago was that my liver enzymes were “extremely elevated”

I believe that is bad because the emergency room doctors and nurses came rushing in to my little ER cubicle and started panicking over me. Due to this I have been taken off ALL my medication. Now to the average person this would not be such a bad thing. For me it sucks .. all I can say is

Mood Stabilization Medication

I need this medication so that I …

a) Don’t burn the building down then laugh hysterically
b) Stab someone in the eye
c) Have 14 panic attacks a day
d) Can smile and say “Good Morning!!” when I really am thinking “Fuck Off!!”

Oh the list goes on and on ...

It has been a week since I have had my medication… this is bad.. very bad .... I go today to get my blood work checked again and am hoping that all will be well... because I have already used my “get out of jail for free” card.

I made it … ALIVE….

2007-05-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

After not eating for 5 days, a long ass scary visit to the ER.. and a passing out episode, I think that I will be ok … at least that is what they tell me. I will not go into the nasty details… but things are looking better .. and I am glad that I went to the ER because I am not sure that I would still be here today if I had not gone… thank you for all your well wishes and advice !! I am on the mend .. again

Still not feelin' better

2007-05-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

I am so fucking frustrated I can’t see straight. I in no way want to turn this into my trauma/surgery/pain blog but sadly this is what it is becoming.
I had surgery 25 days ago. I returned to work 2 weeks after surgery .. what the fuck was I thinking ?…..
About 8 days after surgery I actually started to feel better. I could feel my body healing. I could tell that I was on the mend .. Not any more , now I am at a point where I fucking hurt.. It hurts to walk , sit, sit up, cough, laugh, sneeze and sex… NO , It seems like I am going in reverse. It is depressing as hell. The doc told me 15 days ago that in 10 days I should feel 100%. Well guess what doc.. I feel like shit.. still …..
When I had my appendix out the recovery time on that was slicker than snot and was back to my normal bitchy self within 3 weeks… shouldn’t I start feeling better? 25 days should be plenty of time.. My stomach is so damn tender that I can barley touch it.. it is all fat and bloated.. I am not feeling sexy …not at all.
I don’t know if I should go to the ER or not. Most of the time they just look at me all bewildered and say that everything looks normal .. then after I return to the ER 3 or more times… THEN they discover something and it is a huge rush to fix whatever is wrong with me.
The last time that this happened .. I waited days and days in pain.. I went to the ER and was told that if I would have waited an hour longer I would have died.. now that is some serious shit… I do not feel as bad as I did back then but I DO feel pretty bad. I have had a temperature that has ranged from 99 to 102 that started 9 days after surgery it was 102.4 yesterday and 101.9 this morning.
I am exhausted, I am tired of putting on my happy face at work, tired of explaining to random people WHY I STILL do not feel better When I do not know myself , tired of NOT feeling better.
I have had 9 surgeries where they cut me hip to hip and And 25 days later could actually feel myself getting better. I am thinking infection but I am not sure… I just don’t know what to do. I have had my fair share of surgeries and know my body well enough to know that something is very wrong here.

Sleep

2007-05-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like the pain will never end.. I am thinking of how I can convince the Dr to put me in a coma for about 4 weeks.. then maybe I would be able to wake up pain free and a couple pounds lighter..

Sounds like a pretty good idea to me …yes it does….

Snotty

2007-04-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

This is out of control .. I believe that I am suffering from a case of severe allergies.. Or some asshole at work gave me there cold. Snot snot and more snot.. the stuffy drippy kind.. YUCK there is not a tissue in the world soft enough..
This surgery has kicked my ass. I am beginning to wonder if there is something else wrong with me.. it should not take this long to start feeling better.. .. it has been one fucking miserable ass month
I am living on pain killers, laxatives, ( that is a joy let me tell ya) Ibuprofen, xanax, Nyquil, and willpower.
Any one that has had surgery on their stomach can tell you how horrific it is to cough, sneeze, laugh and poop. I just want to roll over and die.
I have made it to work all this week .. that is just amazing in its self.. No one seems to understand why I still feel so terrible myself included. . I hate to talk about it to anyone because it seems like I have been sick for 4 years straight.. right after I lost my kidney things have gone steadily downhill.. I need to start feeling better, I need a damn vacation.. I want my health back

2Q2BSTR8

2007-04-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

So a few months ago we bought a new car.. I have been thinking about getting personalized license plates ( yes I know that is super dorky but I really don’t give a shit)
Every combination of words that I try has already been taken …. It is really starting to piss me off..
I started off wanting something in Hawaiian because that is where my heart is .. but the good ones are taken .. and the Hawaiian language is odd for instance .. Queen .. in Hawaiian is .. Mo I Wahine .. now that will not fit on a license plate now will it ? Easy.. in Hawaiian is Hikiwale or even the word Vain in Hawaiian is Ho okano. HOTASS is taken.....along with 2Q2BSTR8 and RUABCH2
MJ is available but I don’t not want to advertize to the city what my name is and I also am going for something that will leave the person behind me completely bewildered.
Why does this have to be so damn difficult? Really ….
Any ideas?

how to loose 6 pounds in 2 hours

2007-04-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well I can finally say that I am 90% recovered.. and 6 pounds lighter. I have decided that from now on when I want to lose some weight I will just have another surgery to remove another organ. My dilemma is that I only have an ovary and a gallbladder left..

I have met my surgery limit (19) people and I am not even 30 … I am a pro at it.. That I can say.. as I checked into the hospital for my surgery people addressed me by my first name asking “weren’t you just in here?” yep that was me … I was taken to the pre surgery room told to undress and put this fancy gown on. The nurse came in and tried to put the IV in 3 times she succeeded on the 4th try. I looked like a junkie. The nurse proceeded to ask me the standard 15-20 questions.. Do you have and piercings? What is your pain level? False teeth? I strive to be a good patient so I answered all the questions the best I could while wishing that I could have a glass of orange juice and a bagel. Then in walks another nurse and asks me the same 15-20 questions and says that she needs to shave prep my pubic area… I tell her that I am an over achiever in that area and will not be needing a shave job.. She seemed a bit disappointed.

In walks another nurse and starts to ask me the same 15-20 questions as the previous nurse and I tell her to go find the nurse that has a thing for shaving pubic hair. She knows all the answers . This nurse tells me that my surgery has been delayed two hours. FUCK now I really want some orange juice and a bagel. My husband is sweet and gives me the portable DVD player so that I can watch a movie. He knows the drill..

Finally they take me back to the operating room. it is so damn cold back there.. They put me on a bed.. and wheel me right outside the operating room. and leave me there. As I lay there I watch people walk by. I watched a cleaning crew clean up an operating room and come out with bloody rags and buckets full of human stuff.. I want the anesthesiologist to come medicate me NOW .. I am cold and I cannot watch anymore people come out of operating rooms with containers full of guts.

Finally the doctor comes .. I tried to sweet talk him into taking out my gallbladder.. I even batted my eyes at him and made kissy noises. He said no.. Damn.
He wheels me into the OR and transfers me onto the tiny ass table…. why the hell are those tables to damn small? I am not a large girl… I cannot imagine what it would be like if I was..dear god They take off my pants, undo my gown, ( no it was not a turn on) slap on the blood pressure cuff and in walks the anesthesiologist and just like that 2 hours later I wake up in recovery.

I would hate to be a recovery nurse.. I bet that I asked her if I could have a drink every 10 seconds.. she would calmly say “no dear, you need to wake up a little bit first” 10 seconds later I would ask .. can I have a drink? And again .. no dear… Finally after asking 27 times I got a sponge to suck on.

I had a giant cyst removed along with my right ovary.. A damn painful way to lose 6 lousy pounds

Thank you

2007-04-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all your well wishes !! … surgery went well .. we are all glad.. especially me !! I am still a bit weak and sleepy but I am recovering…. The Doctor did NOT fuck with my kidney parts and that is good !!

I have stayed in bed for a solid week .. I am not a good stay in bed kind of girl ! It makes me super bitchy but I am on the mend and my mood is improving. ( so I am not the super bitch just a little bitchy)

All I can say is that I would be fucked if I was a pilgrim !! they would have taken me out to the field and shot me along with the horses !
I am looking forward to catching up on my blog reading !!!

~PaNiC~

2007-04-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

It is a lovely day here in Slat Lake City a comfortable 66 degrees.. and here I sit in my room trying to fight the panic demon that is trying to take over .. I fight the urge to throw up and or pass out from the shallow breathing technique that I have some how adopted today.
breathe in breathe out .. repeat .. oh MJ do not throw up .. I hate to throw up and have not figured out a graceful way TO throw up .. I would like to develop that skill some day.. then it would not be such a god awful thing

I am awaiting a call from the Dr today waiting to hear when my surgery will be.. will it be tomorrow? will it be Thursday ? dear god don’t let it be Monday .I can not wait and think about this for that many days… I am having a “simple “ surgery “simple” ….
3 years ago I had a “simple” surgery and I ended up loosing my kidney due to this “simple” surgery. I do not trust Doctors at all.. I like to get a 2nd and even a 3rd opinion on EVERYTHING because I almost died due to the fact that the Dr that did my hysterectomy had a flight to catch that morning and fucked my kidney up.. Kidney and uterus are two separate organs and kidneys should never be fucked with because if something goes wrong with your kidney you will never be the same.. EVER

As I am waiting for my little blue pill to start working the panic is still trying to take over .. I think the very worst will happen and I do not want to go into surgery with this state of mind.. you see this surgery will be on my right side ( the side with the kidney) right next to my kidney parts..

Dear doctor that I just met yesterday and have no idea who you are or even if you are an OK kind of guy or if you are catching a flight any time this week please oh please do not fuck with my kidney please ~~

Come on little blue pill do your magic …
Breathe in breathe out .. repeat

surgery

2007-04-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

Well after 9 hours in the ER yesterday.. CT scan, ultra sound, morphine drip and plenty of fluids, I still don’t feel much better.. A little hung over.. but not better

It is amazing what a CT scan can find … I am having surgery on something that is not related to my kidney … but is a super emergency ..
sooo after much debate and argument on my side, I have been scheduled for surgery tomorrow

I will be out for a while ..Please keep me in your thoughts

Ramblings

2007-04-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

I only have a few words…fucking kidney stone …..
Have passed 2 so far and working on another … Son of a BITCH
I am sitting at work wondering what the hell I am doing here because I am so medicated I can hardly stop drooling..
I need my bed, heating pad, glass of water and a morphine drip !!

Pickin’

2007-03-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

To the man that was walking down the busy street yesterday around 4 pm

It is NOT ok to pick (dig in) your ass and then your nose while walking down the street EVER !!

You made me throw up a little

this is ....

2007-03-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

The next time I answer the phone and say “this is Mariah” and the person on the other end says “Maria???” My brain will hemorrhage and my eyeballs will explode .. I swear it

I don’t want to grow up ….

2007-03-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

Remember when mom told you that you should enjoy your youth because it will be gone before you know it and all that you could think was what the hell do you know about being a youth? You are 200 years old .. it sucks .. I just want to do whatever I want when I want it and if I want to go to Amy’s house I can drive my damn self??

One night I was planning on sneaking out after my parents went to bed.. I spent hours getting ready hair.. makeup.. clothes… It was getting late and I was ready to make the big escape when mom poked her head in to say goodnight .. SHIT .. !!!..!!!

Mom.. Why are you all dressed up ?
Me.. UM
Me.. well tomorrow is picture day at school I am just trying out different looks to make sure that I look extra good tomorrow
I am a genius !!!

Once I had a great epiphany
if I burned incense while I was smoking in my room with the window cracked …then no one would know because the incense would hide the smell ….so I lit up the incense then lit up my smoke … smoking so fast that the cherry was two inches long (that is no way to smoke.. unless you are 14) I had just put out my smoke when in walks mom

Mom.. what is that smell ?
as she is trying to locate me in the smoke filled room….
Me.. I um ….just lit this incense and it is the match that you are smelling
Mom.. Do you think that I was born yesterday?
Me. Nope
Mom.. then what is that smell
Me.. well if you were not just born yesterday then you know what it is
Mom.. you are grounded .. something …something….. something
I kinda blocked out the rest

Also being an only child sucks because you have not one other person to blame things on …not one
Dad…Who drank all this Jack Daniels ?
Me.. I don’t know
Dad.. Did you drink it ?
Me.. No
Dad… well I did not drink it and your mom did not drink it so that only leaves you
Me thinking ….. I am FUCKED

Make your bed

2007-03-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

We went out to dinner with my great aunt the other night and after dinner, we all sat around telling stories about our childhood ..
My grandma had 2 sisters and only the oldest is still living. Grandma’s youngest sister was a funny lady, grandma was the prim and proper middle sister and her oldest sister was and still is the boss.
My great aunt told a story about how when they were growing up, they only had 2 bedrooms (one for mom and dad and one for the three girls) the girls would rotate every week.. two would sleep in the bedroom and one would sleep on the fold out bed in the living room. It was the younger sisters week to sleep in the living room.. younger sister was not the cleanest and one morning mom got very angry with her and told her to make the bed and fold it up. Younger sister started jumping on the pull out bed....... After throwing her small but to the point fit, she hurriedly made the bed and went to school. The week went on as usual.. THREE days later, when the girls got home from school mom asked the girls what that smell was … everyone looked at baby sister as she was the trouble maker and for sure it had to be something that she had done. After searching the house they came to the fold out bed in the living room. There folded up in the bed was the pet cat. Younger sister was never scolded for not making her bed again
Moral of the story ….. no need to make your bed, you are just going to get back in it …and keep an eye on the cat !!!
Poor damn cat

Don't look

2007-03-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

Why am I wearing the pants that my ass hangs out of today ???? .. My “tramp stamp” and “whale tail” are BOTH showing today !!! Note to self .. do not wear these jeans to work again

What is that smell ?

2007-03-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

The office restroom is nasty …. I get here early and the bathroom is fresh and clean however around noon it starts to smell like ass in there. Now I know what takes place in the bathroom but my god girls.. When I go into a public restroom I try to pick out the stall that is the least used.. Sometimes it is a bit difficult.. do you pick the one on the very end? .. the middle?.. closest to the door?..it is a very tough decision .. once I have a stall picked out, there are a few more things that need to be checked .. is there is any sign that someone just took a shit in that stall.. a pube on the seat.. pee on the seat.. toilet seat cover on the seat.. toilet not flushed… if any of these things are present then I will not use that stall. It is a very precise process. There are a few women that work in the building that if I see them enter the restroom, I cannot go in until the toxic acidic yeasty putrid damp air clears.. people it is bad.. how can anything smell that bad? Serious how could you not know that your personal space is rotting or growing something ?? do they grow accustom to the smell that they are omitting ?? also they are loud shitters.. I understand that if you got to go you got to go.. but my god some of these gals sound like they are sitting on a flat rock just letting them rip.. that is fine at home but not here at work… sometimes I have to breathe into my sleeve then emerge from the restroom with my eyes watering makeup all smeared and retching..
WHY ???

Tastes like a chicken

2007-03-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

When his chickens started disappearing a few weeks ago, a farmer in eastern India figured dogs or jackals were to blame - until he discovered his calf making a meal of his poultry.Moloy, who uses only one name, and his 1-year-old calf have since become local celebrities, with the carnivorous cow appearing on television in India's West Bengal state and hundreds of people flocking to see them in Chandipur, a village 145 miles southwest of Calcutta, the state capital.
"To catch the culprit, Moloy got up very early ... and to his disbelief found that it was his calf which came out from the cow shed and was eating the chickens alive," Debjyoti Chatterjee, a local resident who filmed the calf eating a chicken, said Thursday.The local veterinarian was at a loss for an explanation."I've never read or heard about cows turning carnivorous," said Mihir Tripathy. "They eat grass and other vegetarian food but not fish or other non-vegetarian stuff."

WHAT THE HELL ????

It is what I got ….

2007-03-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

I have a child that has the flu AND pneumonia, a husband that is recovering from the flu and another child that is catching the flu………
That is all that I have got .. I can’t even put a few words together on a page that make any kind of sense.

~ Someone please bring me a drink !!!

Ram what ???

2007-02-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

As I was driving home from work yesterday I saw
Painted on the tail gate of a lifted Dodge Ram pickup truck
WHY STICK IT …..
WHEN YOU CAN RAM IT…
~I am so confused~
I can not tell you how much I hated this person ………

*Ü*

I am Cold

2007-02-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

Oh and the weather can kiss my ass right along with the flu ………..

It is damn cold and I feel like shit …

One more glance from an innocent co worker and I swear I will burn the building down ……

I have seriously contemplated throwing myself on the floor and having an all out tantrum .. maybe then I could get some tranquilizers and a hot fucking blanket …

Feb 27 Today
Heavy snow this morning will taper to snow showers this afternoon. High 37F. Winds W at 10 to 40 mph. A slushy accumulation of 2 to 4 inches.

Feb 27 Tonight
Mostly cloudy with scattered snow showers mainly during the evening. Low near 20F. Winds light and variable. Chance of snow 30%.

Feb 28 Tomorrow
Overcast. Cold. High 31F. Winds SW at 5 to 20 mph.

Feb 28 Tomorrow night
Occasional snow showers. Low 23F. Winds WSW at 5 to 20 mph. Chance of snow 40%.

Can I barrow your snorkel ?

2007-02-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

I just bought BBC’S “blue planet” series on DVD because
~I am a dork
~Anything that is underwater fascinates me !!

As I was watching last night I began to think of the things that I don’t necessarily love under water

Jelly fish …. They are beautiful ….from far away .. I think that if I was to be stung on the leg instead of the face I would love them a little more… but a tentacle across the face puts a damper on things

Minnows … I hate em’ I was just trying to pee in the lake and I was seriously attacked by 90 starving minnows ..serious… bastards

Carp … There is no love for carp .. they are just plain gross and grow to disgusting sizes and have you seen their mouths ? I just know that one will grab on to my big toe and suck me down to the depths of the local lake here.

See thru skinniness .. in Hawaii there are these fish that swim on the very surface of the water.. they have never caused me any harm however, they swim right into your forehead and it is a bit disturbing.

Sea urchins… beautiful amazing …but the second you step on them ….. dear god … they really do hurt ~~

Under the water is an amazing place to be… I have seen some stunning (no pun intended) things and am amazed by the beauty of it all..

I need to move to the coast of somewhere so that I can spend more time underwater and less time watching it on TV ….

Floating in the tub on my belly is not doing it for me anymore Ü

Dear Flu.......

2007-02-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

……… Kiss my ass ............

Sincerely,

But you’ll look funny …

2007-02-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

When I go to the salon I like to arrive early.. that way I can browse the shelves of shampoo and hair potions… smelling each one, picking my favorites. The salon that I go to also sales makeup .. They have this big round display of it .. everything has a sample tester… So after I am done smelling the hair products ..I walk on over to the makeup display .. apply some makeup on my face as I announce quite loudly ..
“Oh I LOVE this eye shadow.. I really think that I need this”..
“Oh and this blush … it makes my cheeks look so …. Rosy “! “This makeup is fantastic !!”
By the time that I have applied a fresh coat of makeup on my face the stylist calls me back.. she asks me what I have in mind for my hair .. I tell her… same color… (blonde, brown and black) (because I can’t make up my mind on the color either) and I am still deciding on the bangs….. She tells me “your forehead is small … bangs will make you look funny”.. I have been told this before and all day I have been judging people by the size of their foreheads … Man there are some big ass foreheads out there… you know what they say about big foreheads…. Bangs…..

She tells me that maybe we should do “long” bangs I did not know that by long she meant virtually no bangs… they are more like a layer.. but it is ok because we are referring to them as bangs…
After the applied makeup and the hair color, wash, cut, and style I am looking like 38 bucks and want to go out to show off my salon quality look. I go home put on my old prom dress and off to McDonalds I go ….

I am a classy woman

Would I worry about this if I had a penis ?

2007-02-16T13:12:00.000-08:00

I am embarrassed to report that the only pressing issue for me this weekend is bangs or no bangs.. that seems to be the burning question …..
I have asked every single person that will listen to me this pressing question
Several responses have been

Why the hell would you want bangs !!

Your forehead is a bit small ....Bangs would make you look funny not that you don’t look funny already !!

I don’t give a shit

Go for it

I have hair that requires no “do” it is not poufy it is not limp .. just long straight hair

I need a change folks and in one hour I am getting it cut …. How…..Is the urgent matter at hand here ……

It would be so much easier to be a boy !!

??~Lost~??

2007-02-15T11:44:00.001-08:00

Is anyone else as perplexed as I am ??? I LOVE This damn show

This is why I need a mental break … Dear god …

2007-02-14T11:18:00.000-08:00

Trolley square Shooting

The winding hallways of Salt Lake City's Trolley Square became a shooting gallery for an 18-year-old gunman in a trench coat who fired a shotgun randomly at customers, killing five and wounding four before being killed by police,

Body Found in river

Body found in river by a 14 year old girl …….

Oh and did I mention that a local bank (right up the street from home) was robbed by shotgun yesterday…

FUCK !

Woooooosssaaaaaaaaaaa

2007-02-12T05:22:00.000-08:00

I will be taking a mental health vacation Feb 12th- the 23rd…. If you need me .. I will be on the 5th floor of my local hospital…… having a nice conversation with myself and my imaginary friend Lucy.

I will be leaving comments because I just cant get enough of your guys !!!!

Happy Birthday Baby Sis

2007-02-08T05:05:00.000-08:00

To my favorite girl in the whole wide world …..

Happy 11th Birthday !!

I love your guts !!

We are having a heat wave…

2007-02-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

A tropical heat wave……

It is a whopping 45 degrees today

I must celebrate, Who drank all the vodka ? …..

Super Bowl XLI

2007-02-02T07:31:00.000-08:00

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS VS. CHICAGO BEARS

Last week: The Indianapolis Colts finally shed the big, hairy, sweaty, stinky, Loser Monkey from their backs and beat the New England Patriots 38-34 in the AFC championship game, thus earning a Super Bowl berth for Peyton Manning and the Colts. The Colts did not make it easy on themselves, falling behind early to the Pats 21-3 in the first quarter. But the Colts fought back the entire game, and in a back and forth fourth quarter, they ultimately prevailed with a touchdown run by rookie RB Joseph Addai. The much maligned Colts defense sealed the deal by intercepting little sissy-boy Tom Brady on their post-penultimate drive, thus rocketing the Colts to their first Super Bowl appearance since 1970. Thirty seven years. Just think of all the things, good and bad, that have happened since the Colts last attended a Super Bowl. The Colts still had hall of famer QB Johnny Unitas on their roster, who has since passed into the great end zone in the sky, and were still actually located in the cesspool known as Baltimore, Maryland. They had first pick in the ’84 draft and selected that whiny, sniveling, little cry baby bitch, horse-faced John Elway out of Stanford, who kicked, screamed and soiled his nasty diaper to get traded to the Broncos of all teams. In 1984, the Colts packed their horseshoes and moved to the exciting, thriving metropolis of Indianapolis, Indiana for some reason. They had good and bad years in Indy, coming in dead last in the league in 1997. They drafted QB Peyton Manning in 1998 out of Tennessee, who promptly took the team to an abysmal 3-13 record his first season. Since then, the Colts have steadily improved, and seemingly the last five or so years have missed the Super Bowl by mere inches. So finally, after 37 years, the Colts have a shot at the big one. Go Colts.

Last week: The Chicago Bears demolished the Katrina kitty-kit Saints 39-14 at Soldier Field in Chicago. The Bears return to the big dance for the first time since 1986, when they had such household defensive names such as “the Fridge”, and Mike Singletary. The offense consisted of players such as RB Walter Payton (rest in peace) and the annoying QB Jim McMahon. The coach was a much younger, skinnier, and less-irritating-than-he is today Mike Ditka. The ’86 Bears won 18 of their 19 games that year, and destroyed the weak and helpless New England Patriots 46-10 in Super Bowl XX. The Bears of today are slightly different…They have a coach with the cute little name of “Lovie”, affectionately named I presume after Mrs. Howell on Gilligan’s Island (?) The defense bears (no pun intended, but ha) some resemblance to the ’86 team, but clearly does not have the dominance they did. And, alas, the man guiding the ship behind center is an oft-injured, sporadic, consistent as a diarrhetic bowel, aptly named Rex Grossman. The Bears Super Bowl hopes rest in this man’s shaky, slippery fumble-fingered hands. Grossman played adequately in the game against the Saints, which is to say, he didn’t throw for four hundred yards and five touchdowns, nor did he totally fuck the game up for the Bears. The problem with playing against the Colts, however, is that at any given time, Peyton Manning can bust loose for the aforementioned 400 yard/5 touchdowns. If the Bears end up in an offensive shooting match with the Colts, it could be uglier than waking up after a Jagermeister-induced prom date…

Prediction: This should be a classic. The high scoring Colts offense versus the stingy Bears defense. The Colts run defense has more holes in it than a rusty colander, while the Bears offense has the official “worst quarterback to ever play in a Super Bowl” even though Grossman has yet to throw a pick or fumble a snap. Weather should not be a factor, as the game is being played in the sunny, scenic Miamigration, Florida. The Colts have the disadvantage of playing in the AFC, which everyone knows is a subpar, half-assed, weak and girly conference. The Bears have the disadvantage of QB Rex Grossman, who everyone knows is a subpar, half-assed, weak and girly quarterback. As much as I disrespect the AFC however, Peyton Manning deserves this, if only for the sole fact that he brought such a downtrodden and shitty team this far, without whining and puling about being traded like a certain, queer, homo-sexualesque, stallion faced Broncos quarterback. The Colts beat the Bears 27-24, with Colts good as gold kicker Adam Vinatieri kicking a field goal in the final drive. Sorry Jackson…You know, you really do look a little like Grossman.

Chad's POV

Gotta love it ...

Eat this....

2007-02-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

So I have been on a diet for 5 weeks now and I am doing pretty well .. loosing weight.. I feel ok.. I have energy..

The only thing that I am really struggling with is not to eating junk food randomly.. Because that is what I have always done. Once I bought 6 crispy creams and ate all 6 at one sitting. It was amazing.. I could actually feel my ass growing ! Damn those were the days !

Yesterday around lunch time I walked out of the office for a smoke and a co- worker of mine was eating something from a local restaurant that I love and can't have.

I wanted to poke her in the eyes then shove her face into the delicious platter of food that she was eating..

Is that bad ??

Anybody??

2007-01-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

~Thank you~

2007-01-30T05:41:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to thank each of you for your kind words… It is good to know that there are thoughtful people out there in the blogosphere… It has been a tough two weeks but we are getting through it day by day.

It really sucks that sometimes it takes someone that you love’s passing for us to remember that life is short… Live for the day.. Tell your loved ones just how much you love them… Have fun…. Laugh.. Cry… Love… Because we will never know when it is our time to go.

MJ

Where have I been???

2007-01-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I lost my precious grandma….. My heart is broken….

Find a happy place

2007-01-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I had a gap between my two front teeth.. I wanted braces so bad that I asked for them one year for Christmas.
My mom took me to the dentist so that he could evaluate the possibility of me getting braces, he stuck two of his hotdog size fingers in my mouth, felt around, got out his little mini mirror, then asked me where I put my tongue when I sleep… who the hell knows that?? I am sleeping.. dumb ass ...I am unsure as to the exact position that my tongue is in..

He went out into the lobby and informed my mother that I could not have braces because I push on the back side of my front teeth with my tongue.. Also that the gap may close together when my wisdom teeth come in.. I remember sitting in that dentist chair thinking I don’t have buck teeth you ass hole.. I have a gap… Where did they find this guy? And trying not to cry as my dreams for straight teeth were taken away.

My wisdom teeth came in .. and fuck you Mr. dentist,!! it hurt like crazy .. had oral surgery to remove the wisdom teeth and the gap never closed.

10 years later, When I became a grown up. Had my own dental insurance, and could choose a dentist that I wanted to go to, I got the gap fixed.. no braces just had the veneers.. quick and easy that is my motto

The same dentist that fixed the gap in my teeth also filled a few cavities that I had … both abscessed. I never went back

After four years of hiding I decided to put on my big girl pants and see the dentist.. I have to set an example for the kids ya’ know !!

I had the standard x-rays.. yep those still suck !! Then holly god the cleaning …

This dentist used an ultrasonic vibrating thing that shoots out ice cold water… Dear god in heaven.. It was the absolute worst cleaning that I have ever had.. FUCK !! After 40 minutes of cleaning it was announced that I was done and that I had been a good patient and I could pick a treasure out of the toy chest. After I picked out my ruby ring, the dentist came in and examined my x-rays, informed me that I had no cavities and that my teeth look great!

The moral of this story …. It is perfectly ok to wait 5 years in between dentist visits.. I am living proof !!

I could not say it better myself !!

2007-01-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

I took this quiz and I am none other than …..

You are a beautiful princess with great strength of character

I always wanted to be wonder woman today is a good day !!!

Now take a deep breath...

2007-01-17T05:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the Abyss.. and just about passed out

When I watch shows that involve underwater activity, ( with the exception of Finding Nemo) I try to hold my breath the entire time the actor is underwater.

I just cant stand it when the actor is underwater for 8 minutes. That is just amazing how those actors do that.. They must have special training or something.

I woke up with a splitting headache due to lack of oxygen.

My pipes are FROZE

2007-01-16T05:37:00.000-08:00

This is why I HATE winter ... Yep.... it is fuckin' cold

Air please....

2007-01-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

I love to be outdoors in the summertime, the perfect temperature for me is 80 + I love to be in the sun . Yes I am well aware of skin cancer and the global warming stuff.. I still love it.. I love the way I feel when I am in the sun..

I love to tan, especially near the ocean, lake or pool. I do not really LOVE to tan the old fashion way with a squirt bottle but I will do it just to be in the sun.

In the winter I get a bit depressed because I can’t be in the hot sun. It is not too fun to be outside in the wintertime when it is 7 degrees outside nope not too fun.. not at all..

I settle for 18 minutes of glorious high pressure artificial sun in the tanning bed twice a week in the wintertime.

Yesterday it was a smoking 40 degrees I decided that I needed to tan. So I paid my dues, went into my designated room, stripped down, slathered tanning lotion all over my body and got my

Ipod all ready to go within the allotted 3 minutes before the tanning bed turns it’s self on.

I get into the tanning bed, do not turn on the fan because it is fucking cold on the fiberglass, close the coffin like lid and try to relax.. after about 4 minutes it starts to get warm.. I reach for the knob that controls the fan.. I turn it .. no fan.. I push it … no fan .. I pull it .. no fan … I call it a bitch .. no fan

10 minutes in

It is damn hot .. I am sweating… I try blow on myself to cool myself down.. I fan my hands over my body in the cramped quarters.. it is not helping…

I think to myself ….

Self..

What do you do now?
Do you get out, put on all of your clothes and tell the lady in the front that the damn fan is a piece of shit and does not work?
Do you stick it out?
What if the fan is not really broke? then you would fee like an ass now wouldn’t you ?

12 minutes in … 8 minutes to go

I decided to stick it out …

what the hell was I thinking?!?!?!?!

I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to have your body microwaved.. I actually could smell the flesh cooking, I really could… maybe that is why they have the fans in the first place?
1 to cool you down

and
2 so that you can’t smell your self cook…

16 minutes in,

I am almost in tears.. thinking to self .. Knock it off you damn baby.. pretend that you are in the desert.. my god you are a whiney ass..

17 minutes in

Thinking to self,
Is that sweat?
Is that a pool of sweat that you are laying in ?
What was it that I heard about water and electricity… oh ya… Electrocution..
Can I be electrocuted?..
What if I was electrocuted then what?..
How long would they let me lay here, naked and electrocuted?
Do I have current incase of emergency contact information in my tanning file?
What will the family think?
What will they put in my obituary?

Then… everything goes dark …

Dear god it is over… the bed has shut off… it is no longer 700 degrees .. I feel a breeze.. I lay there a bit and think about how close to death I actually came… I compose myself ..I look at the jeans, the t-shirt, turtle neck and sweater laying on the floor… I sigh because I do not want to be any hotter that I already am .. I seriously think about running to my car naked… I decide against it... I get dressed.

As I am walking out of the building to my car, I say… “thank you, have a good day” to the lady at the front.

As I get into my car .. I think of the next poor bastard that gets into that tanning bed…..and can’t figure out how to turn on the damn fan…

Quicksand

2007-01-08T05:20:00.001-08:00

This brings a tear of joy to my eyes....