Air please....
I love to be outdoors in the summertime, the perfect temperature for me is 80 + I love to be in the sun . Yes I am well aware of skin cancer and the global warming stuff.. I still love it.. I love the way I feel when I am in the sun..
I love to tan, especially near the ocean, lake or pool. I do not really LOVE to tan the old fashion way with a squirt bottle but I will do it just to be in the sun.
In the winter I get a bit depressed because I can’t be in the hot sun. It is not too fun to be outside in the wintertime when it is 7 degrees outside nope not too fun.. not at all..
I settle for 18 minutes of glorious high pressure artificial sun in the tanning bed twice a week in the wintertime.
Yesterday it was a smoking 40 degrees I decided that I needed to tan. So I paid my dues, went into my designated room, stripped down, slathered tanning lotion all over my body and got my
I love to tan, especially near the ocean, lake or pool. I do not really LOVE to tan the old fashion way with a squirt bottle but I will do it just to be in the sun.
In the winter I get a bit depressed because I can’t be in the hot sun. It is not too fun to be outside in the wintertime when it is 7 degrees outside nope not too fun.. not at all..
I settle for 18 minutes of glorious high pressure artificial sun in the tanning bed twice a week in the wintertime.
Yesterday it was a smoking 40 degrees I decided that I needed to tan. So I paid my dues, went into my designated room, stripped down, slathered tanning lotion all over my body and got my
Ipod all ready to go within the allotted 3 minutes before the tanning bed turns it’s self on.
I get into the tanning bed, do not turn on the fan because it is fucking cold on the fiberglass, close the coffin like lid and try to relax.. after about 4 minutes it starts to get warm.. I reach for the knob that controls the fan.. I turn it .. no fan.. I push it … no fan .. I pull it .. no fan … I call it a bitch .. no fan
10 minutes in
I get into the tanning bed, do not turn on the fan because it is fucking cold on the fiberglass, close the coffin like lid and try to relax.. after about 4 minutes it starts to get warm.. I reach for the knob that controls the fan.. I turn it .. no fan.. I push it … no fan .. I pull it .. no fan … I call it a bitch .. no fan
10 minutes in
It is damn hot .. I am sweating… I try blow on myself to cool myself down.. I fan my hands over my body in the cramped quarters.. it is not helping…
I think to myself ….
I think to myself ….
Self..
What do you do now?
Do you get out, put on all of your clothes and tell the lady in the front that the damn fan is a piece of shit and does not work?
Do you stick it out?
What if the fan is not really broke? then you would fee like an ass now wouldn’t you ?
12 minutes in … 8 minutes to go
I decided to stick it out …
what the hell was I thinking?!?!?!?!
I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to have your body microwaved.. I actually could smell the flesh cooking, I really could… maybe that is why they have the fans in the first place?
1 to cool you down
Do you get out, put on all of your clothes and tell the lady in the front that the damn fan is a piece of shit and does not work?
Do you stick it out?
What if the fan is not really broke? then you would fee like an ass now wouldn’t you ?
12 minutes in … 8 minutes to go
I decided to stick it out …
what the hell was I thinking?!?!?!?!
I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to have your body microwaved.. I actually could smell the flesh cooking, I really could… maybe that is why they have the fans in the first place?
1 to cool you down
and
2 so that you can’t smell your self cook…
16 minutes in,
I am almost in tears.. thinking to self .. Knock it off you damn baby.. pretend that you are in the desert.. my god you are a whiney ass..
17 minutes in
Thinking to self,
Is that sweat?
Is that a pool of sweat that you are laying in ?
What was it that I heard about water and electricity… oh ya… Electrocution..
Can I be electrocuted?..
What if I was electrocuted then what?..
How long would they let me lay here, naked and electrocuted?
Do I have current incase of emergency contact information in my tanning file?
What will the family think?
What will they put in my obituary?
Then… everything goes dark …
Dear god it is over… the bed has shut off… it is no longer 700 degrees .. I feel a breeze.. I lay there a bit and think about how close to death I actually came… I compose myself ..I look at the jeans, the t-shirt, turtle neck and sweater laying on the floor… I sigh because I do not want to be any hotter that I already am .. I seriously think about running to my car naked… I decide against it... I get dressed.
As I am walking out of the building to my car, I say… “thank you, have a good day” to the lady at the front.
As I get into my car .. I think of the next poor bastard that gets into that tanning bed…..and can’t figure out how to turn on the damn fan…
2 so that you can’t smell your self cook…
16 minutes in,
I am almost in tears.. thinking to self .. Knock it off you damn baby.. pretend that you are in the desert.. my god you are a whiney ass..
17 minutes in
Thinking to self,
Is that sweat?
Is that a pool of sweat that you are laying in ?
What was it that I heard about water and electricity… oh ya… Electrocution..
Can I be electrocuted?..
What if I was electrocuted then what?..
How long would they let me lay here, naked and electrocuted?
Do I have current incase of emergency contact information in my tanning file?
What will the family think?
What will they put in my obituary?
Then… everything goes dark …
Dear god it is over… the bed has shut off… it is no longer 700 degrees .. I feel a breeze.. I lay there a bit and think about how close to death I actually came… I compose myself ..I look at the jeans, the t-shirt, turtle neck and sweater laying on the floor… I sigh because I do not want to be any hotter that I already am .. I seriously think about running to my car naked… I decide against it... I get dressed.
As I am walking out of the building to my car, I say… “thank you, have a good day” to the lady at the front.
As I get into my car .. I think of the next poor bastard that gets into that tanning bed…..and can’t figure out how to turn on the damn fan…
Posted by MJ @ 6:40 PM
2 Comments:
Damn, you could have fried, and then who'd write this blog? You have got to be more careful.
The one and only time I went tanning in a salon I totally cried the whole time because I thought that my skin was literally going to burn off.
So who is the whiny ass now?
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