Warning: drama to follow
My eternal parts are not getting along… AT ALL ….There is a serious battle going on inside of me and no matter what I do I cannot stop the pain and discomfort ...I fear that this will not end my friends, I have a deep dreadful feeling that I will feel this way FOREVER and will be in constant pain for the rest of my life..
Super dramatic… I know
Sure I clean up nice.. I make an effort NOT to look sick .. makeup. Jewelry, cute clothes ( that are not pajamas) .. try to have a positive happy attitude and I TRY to plaster a fake ass smile on my face most of the time.. I am at the breaking point because if I say anything about how I REALLY TRULY feel , most everyone around me either
1. Freak the fuck out and want to rush me back to the ER (I would rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail)
2. Roll their eyes and pretend like they really give a shit because they are so tired of hearing about how sick I am ALL The time
3. Try to give me advice on how to start feeling better..( if you have not had serious problems with your intestines DO NOT TRY to give me any advice because you do not know what the fuck you are talking about) Ah hem thank you
Yesterday I called in sick to work… I was too ill to make it in .. I slept until 3 pm and for the rest of the night I felt guilty for calling in because all those around me hint about how they “push through it” and go to work anyway… It is not fair .. I did not MAKE myself sick .. all this is a result of a doctors fuck up 5 years ago and I will NEVER EVER me the same.. EVER…
I am not some hypochondriac !! Even though I an starting to feel like one … I don’t like to go to the doctor and tell them that I STILL do not feel better believe me .. They tell me.. “Here keep on taking these pain pills”, “here take these pills that will help you with digestion”, “here take these pills that will help with anxiety”.. “here take these pills”…. It goes on and on
I feel like I am living this pretend life where everything is forced sunshine and roses on the outside but I honestly feel like my body is shutting down on the inside.. My down fall in all this is that I push and push myself to the point when my body says “NO MORE” and then falls apart.. This is how I have always been through my life and I wonder if I really took the time to love my body (do I know how to do that ?) like I should if this would continue to happen ??
I need to keep my job.. I like the money.. I need a life outside of home.. I need to have fun .. I NEED sex.. The list goes on and on..
I am tired of being trapped inside of a body that feels like it is 90 years old..
I do not know how to get out of this rut and start living my life again ……
Super dramatic… I know
Sure I clean up nice.. I make an effort NOT to look sick .. makeup. Jewelry, cute clothes ( that are not pajamas) .. try to have a positive happy attitude and I TRY to plaster a fake ass smile on my face most of the time.. I am at the breaking point because if I say anything about how I REALLY TRULY feel , most everyone around me either
1. Freak the fuck out and want to rush me back to the ER (I would rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail)
2. Roll their eyes and pretend like they really give a shit because they are so tired of hearing about how sick I am ALL The time
3. Try to give me advice on how to start feeling better..( if you have not had serious problems with your intestines DO NOT TRY to give me any advice because you do not know what the fuck you are talking about) Ah hem thank you
Yesterday I called in sick to work… I was too ill to make it in .. I slept until 3 pm and for the rest of the night I felt guilty for calling in because all those around me hint about how they “push through it” and go to work anyway… It is not fair .. I did not MAKE myself sick .. all this is a result of a doctors fuck up 5 years ago and I will NEVER EVER me the same.. EVER…
I am not some hypochondriac !! Even though I an starting to feel like one … I don’t like to go to the doctor and tell them that I STILL do not feel better believe me .. They tell me.. “Here keep on taking these pain pills”, “here take these pills that will help you with digestion”, “here take these pills that will help with anxiety”.. “here take these pills”…. It goes on and on
I feel like I am living this pretend life where everything is forced sunshine and roses on the outside but I honestly feel like my body is shutting down on the inside.. My down fall in all this is that I push and push myself to the point when my body says “NO MORE” and then falls apart.. This is how I have always been through my life and I wonder if I really took the time to love my body (do I know how to do that ?) like I should if this would continue to happen ??
I need to keep my job.. I like the money.. I need a life outside of home.. I need to have fun .. I NEED sex.. The list goes on and on..
I am tired of being trapped inside of a body that feels like it is 90 years old..
I do not know how to get out of this rut and start living my life again ……
Posted by MJ @ 11:29 AM
6 Comments:
Well, it's nice to hear you're at least trying. God, I love being able to bail on work and take the day off at will. That luxury is my life's ambition.
Good luck MJ! Do you think that finding a support group would be helpful? Sometimes people find they're great because you get to vent and hear tips and tricks from others with similar problems... other times it just pisses you off to listen to it in yet another part of your life.
Hope you find what works for you!
First, I'm glad you have the blog to give you an outlet to talk about how you feel.
Second, having just had a third of my colon out, I'm with you on the gastro level. They have been poking and prodding since '98.
I think you either need new specialists, or a new hospital. I'm thinking more like the Mayo Clinic given where you live. If the hospital where you are can't find the source of the problem and eliminate it, kick the problem up to a better hospital.
Bottom line. We want a solution that returns you to normal. And we'd like it as soon as possible. Just my opinion, not that I have one, naturally.
Sounds pretty typical of medecine as we know it. Treat the symptom, not the root cause. Of course, nobody knows how to do that here.
I hope that someone can give you some answers soon or start you on a course to feeling better.
That's "medicine".
I'm so sorry. Most of the time, my body feels the same way. It took years to get a diagnosis and determine what was wrong with me. A rare disorder could the culprit. I have to read back to understand more.
I hope today is a good day :)
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