A sincere thank you to all of you who have sent caring thoughts as I have been going through this super hard time ….
When I started this blog it was for fun only .. I had no intention of meeting people and caring about people in the blogosphere. I am amazed that there are so many wonderful people out there that take the time to send words of encouragement. It means so much to me.
It is hard to blog when I don’t feel well.. It is hard to do anything anymore… It has come to the point where it is difficult for me to get up in the mornings and try to make myself look presentable for work.. I don’t want to be the sickly who looks sickly… and that is exactly what my appearance is lately… Sickly
I am trying the best I can to feel good… I have several doctor appointments this week and hopefully I will have some answers soon..
My eternal parts are not getting along… AT ALL ….There is a serious battle going on inside of me and no matter what I do I cannot stop the pain and discomfort ...I fear that this will not end my friends, I have a deep dreadful feeling that I will feel this way FOREVER and will be in constant pain for the rest of my life..
Super dramatic… I know
Sure I clean up nice.. I make an effort NOT to look sick .. makeup. Jewelry, cute clothes ( that are not pajamas) .. try to have a positive happy attitude and I TRY to plaster a fake ass smile on my face most of the time.. I am at the breaking point because if I say anything about how I REALLY TRULY feel , most everyone around me either
1. Freak the fuck out and want to rush me back to the ER (I would rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail)
2. Roll their eyes and pretend like they really give a shit because they are so tired of hearing about how sick I am ALL The time
3. Try to give me advice on how to start feeling better..( if you have not had serious problems with your intestines DO NOT TRY to give me any advice because you do not know what the fuck you are talking about) Ah hem thank you
Yesterday I called in sick to work… I was too ill to make it in .. I slept until 3 pm and for the rest of the night I felt guilty for calling in because all those around me hint about how they “push through it” and go to work anyway… It is not fair .. I did not MAKE myself sick .. all this is a result of a doctors fuck up 5 years ago and I will NEVER EVER me the same.. EVER…
I am not some hypochondriac !! Even though I an starting to feel like one … I don’t like to go to the doctor and tell them that I STILL do not feel better believe me .. They tell me.. “Here keep on taking these pain pills”, “here take these pills that will help you with digestion”, “here take these pills that will help with anxiety”.. “here take these pills”…. It goes on and on
I feel like I am living this pretend life where everything is forced sunshine and roses on the outside but I honestly feel like my body is shutting down on the inside.. My down fall in all this is that I push and push myself to the point when my body says “NO MORE” and then falls apart.. This is how I have always been through my life and I wonder if I really took the time to love my body (do I know how to do that ?) like I should if this would continue to happen ??
I need to keep my job.. I like the money.. I need a life outside of home.. I need to have fun .. I NEED sex.. The list goes on and on..
I am tired of being trapped inside of a body that feels like it is 90 years old..
I do not know how to get out of this rut and start living my life again ……
After all my foul language ……
Ass (11) Shit (7) Pain (6) Fucking (5) Bitch (3) Suck (2) Slap (1)
I am only rated NC-17…….
What a DAMN shame
I must try harder
NOT MUCH !!
I decided to take 8 weeks off entirely !! This was a super hard recovery for me and I am still not 100%
This picture of me was taken 4 weeks ago .. just proof that I am still alive....
I have lost a total of 48 pounds since April 1st
I have not done a thing that requires much thought !!
I am just so tired STILL :(
I have read a ton of books, watched way too much TV, acquired a new love for tea (as coffee and soda are off limits) and have a killer tan !!
I even tried to convince hubby that I do not want to go back to work .. he said OK but I would need to do all the house work... I will be returning to work in a week
I am SO out of the loop on all the blogs that I love to read and am planning on spending the next few weeks catching up on ya all !
and posting more !!
